I hope you die a miserable death;
When I am awake at night, you cross my mind often. You cross my mind when I sob uncontrollably into my pillow. When I feel empty I feel your hands roam around my body. Each time I try to make a genuine connection with someone I feel your hands. And when I dare to stay up too late I can hear your whispery voice.
To this day I don’t understand why you did what you did. Sure we’ve both been kids, yet even kids have a consciousness. They don’t abuse someone for years the way you did. I wanted to be your friend and I needed you to be my friend.
“I’ve felt the innocence slowly die inside of me, I’ve awoken into total darkness”
You weren’t my friend. At first maybe…
“I found comfort in your violence. I found love where there was none.”
I know I was the one who “abandoned” you, but even then I was left with a hole in my chest one I am trying to fill with a similar violence.
“Love isn’t supposed to be complicated.”
That’s true. Yet I am unable to stay peaceful. Still fighting imaginary demons, beliefs you’ve installed inside of me. Beliefs that don’t belong to me. Pestering me, torturing me.
“Control is better than trust.”
Are you happy? Are you happy…. Are you happy? You’ve broken me. I’m am still struggling. Are you happy? Are you happy? Are you happy I cannot trust anyone? Are you happy I fear romance yet crave it at the same time? Are you happy that I want to run when it gets to serious? Are you happy.
I don’t want to face you. Never. Too much time had passed, you are no longer the person who did all this to me. The thought of you happy makes me furious, you don’t deserve to be happy while I am miserable. While I am fighting for my life, haunting phantoms. I hope u die a miserable death.
I can never love. Not the way someone is supposed to love. And that is your fault. Because you did all these extreme things to me, gentleness brings me discomfort.
“You are useless, you are stupid, you are naive, you will never achieve anything in your life, you are incompetent, incapable of survival on your own.”
On repeat. 12. On repeat. 13. On repeat. 14. On repeat. 15. On repeat 16. On repeat 17. Break-
“You are nothing without me, you need me, I love you, only I love you the way you are, you are beautiful, adorable, my angel, you are my home, I can only be my true self with you.”
On repeat. 12. On repeat. 13. On repeat. 14. On repeat. 15. On repeat 16. On repeat 17. Break-
“… baby doll. Baby doll. Oh baby doll.”
WHEN WILL YOU TAKE RESPONSIBILITY?! Take responsibility for doing these things to me. Take… I MISS YOU SO MUCH… no no no… SHUT UP… This is… I don’t miss you… it’s just the brainwashing. It’s the things you’ve trained me to do. How you slowly instructed me to be. Oh god but I miss it, NO I DONT.
“Yes, you do”
SHUT UP SHUT UP.
“You are the light to my darkness, we belong together. Only when i am the devil you can be an angel.”
Va-
“He doesn’t love you, I am the one who loves you.”
——————
One person.
One person can bring you joy.
One person can destroy your soul.
One person.