All the things I tried to say

We were never able to actually talk because I felt like you couldn’t listen or that you couldn’t hear what I was saying. I required space and time to myself because I was used to that at this point in my life. I was not used to checking in with someone constantly and someone who demanded so much attention. I loved you and I thought you realized that. I was trying so hard to give you what you were asking for but it became so overbearing to me.

If I told you I was at my parents or at a soccer game with friends, this is where I was. I did not appreciate being accused of being somewhere else all the time. It just became so unhealthy and I became so distant because of it. You always seemed to be so angry with me and I could not figure out why. You said you loved me but it didn’t feel like it most of the time. I think you maybe did love me but I actually question that and what your real motives were.

Did you just want a place to stay and sleep? Did you just want me to pay all the bills? Were you really going to help me? Were you really determined to get a good job and support a family with me? You said you would help someday but I didn’t believe it. I saw you were trying in some ways but I think maybe the age gap was a big deal. I started not believing you because of your actions and demeanor. Then the terrible accusations against me started to fly. I should have walked away many times and I wonder what I really saw in you.

I guess we shared so many good times in the beginning and I saw the real you (maybe this was the mask, I’m not sure). But I know I let my guard down, I trusted you and I loved you. I tried to give you so much of me and just wanted that quality time when we could have it. Maybe it was just because I work so damn much and have so many passions and hobbies. I wanted to share those with you too. My dreams were real and I was true to you always even if you believed and thought I was always lying. Maybe you just couldn’t handle someone loving you?

I think deep down there is someone who meant what they said and actually believed it too. I just don’t think you were capable of thinking clearly and giving this some time to really get to know each other. You built me up so high and I’m only human. I couldn’t stay on a pedestal forever and always felt like I was failing.

I guess I failed when I didn’t have the proper boundaries and gave you so many chances and trial errors. I really loved you and still know the real you is in there somewhere. As you are only human too, I must forgive and also ask myself why and how could this all have happened the way it did? I chose to believe you will find the light within yourself to admit your wrongs and forgive as well.

I do love you and I am determined to grow from what feels like the biggest damn lesson in my life. You make it so damn hard to concentrate. Love exists -within you and without you 💜