my first unwanted pregnancy and abortion, just venting out.

it’s been a day since i found out i am pregnant and went to doctor got everything done took my first dose and i have been thinking about how i never thought this would happen to me. i dont think anyone understands what i’m going through. it was five weeks i saw the embryo during the scan, it was all so terrifying. i hate myself to the core, i stripped down and looked at every inch of my body assessing it and my body disgusts me, i feel nauseous have a constant headache and i also have lost respect for myself for some reason and all of this has nothing to do with guilt of not being married rather just existing as a woman. when i went to the hospital i was surrounded by so many pregnant women walking like zombies, with big bellies and wailing babies i never want to be in a situation like this, the mere fact of me finding this out made me hate myself and i can’t tell why. one thing that the doctor said stuck with me, ‘it’s never the guy’s loss’ and that’s so true, men feel so entitled about having kids and they don’t actually know what hell pregnancy is. a few days before i found out i thought i was just pmsing but it was way way worse i cried at every little thing for two days straight and i can’t even imagine what happens to one’s mind and body progressively but if that is how is it at five weeks, i can not even imagine how progressively worse it gets. I am 23 and i never ever wanted children because i think it is extremely unfair to women and a means to control us, it changes our bodies forever and after this experience with pregnancy that belief has become more concrete. i told my partner to not accompany me to any of the tests or visits but he has been sticking to me like a leech and i don’t want him around me, i hate his existence and how casual he is being about it all. it is utterly sad what we have to go through as women, life is so unfair and motherhood is so glorified