My life seems like a mess..

The past two months have been awful, and I don’t remember being this down in the dumps in a long time. To start off with, my beloved dog had to be put down, and watching that happen messed me up more than I could imagine. My work did not give me any leeway, because I had to fly straight back to work after without processing anything and brave through my emotions at my WFO job. People are rarely empathetic when it comes to losing pets.

My birthday came a week after, spent alone in my house in the thick of grief, far away from home and friends. My new, first ever job, seemed to get worse since then, as my toxic, manipulative manager just sucks the positivity out of everyone the moment she steps into a room.

I had to face the brunt of our unhappy founders for my manager’s faults (who was conveniently not available during the time), rework on projects that I solely worked on due to other departments’ negligence, stuck in long work hours at a pathetic job.

My partner and I have been miscommunicating and disagreeing every other week, and that is also extremely stressful. I have communicated my feelings but our wavelengths aren’t matching at the moment.

My manager makes pitiful, sarcastic comments about me all the time, and since it has been only 4 months since I started, I feel trapped here for another 8 months. She got to her position with no experience because the founders are best friends with her husband, so no amount of my predecessors or me complaining about her goes anywhere. I am overloaded with work, I’m being treated like an assistant.

I wonder what I am doing in life, where I’m headed in my personal or professional life. I don’t see my integrity or importance at work. My health has gone for a toss, when I get home late in the evening I just rot away and cry myself to sleep. Rinse and repeat. It’s hard to see the light at the end of this tunnel.

I know I will get out sometime and I’m privileged to have a support system, but I don’t want to talk, and I don’t want to leave the house. I don’t want to look at myself in the mirror. Forcing myself to go out hasn’t particularly helped.

I hope this depressive episode ends soon and the stars align again, because frankly breathing sometimes is painful.