My boyfriend and I are about to start couples therapy and I’m wondering if it’s even worth it or if we should just call it quits.

My (26F) boyfriend (34M) and I have been together for 2.5 years. For context, we both make a little more than average and bought a house together a few months ago. My boyfriend works in a job mainly with men. He says that they are very blunt, rough around the edges, and don’t sugar coat things and that is what he is used to.

Since a few months into the relationship, he has been talking to me in a similar tone. He says that he doesn’t realize that his tone is aggressive and doesn’t understand what I’m talking about when I point it out. I’ve asked him for years to start working on it and he will change for a few days and then go back to his old ways.

A couple months ago when I pointed out that he will get better for a few days and then go back to how he was before he explained that it was because I told him too many things to work on and he couldn’t do them all at once. I recognized that is the case and so I told him I wanted him to focus on his tone, which he did.

After a few weeks of him doing better with his tone I asked him when I could bring up something else that has been causing problems in our relationship and he said he didn’t know. He has progressively gotten less cognizant of his tone, but still wasn’t as bad as before.

The final straw was when we were on the phone with my mom and dad and we were trying to figure out whether we were getting a drink package on our upcoming cruise. While my mom and dad were talking he told me he wouldn’t drink enough for it to be worth it and then left to go play video games. My mom and dad had brought up another option and asked for me to get him. I called his name and he said he was busy. I explained that to my parents and they still wanted to talk to him. For context, my dad and boyfriend play video games together often so they know that he can talk on the phone while playing video games because he does it with them. I go into his gaming room and he says “what” in an agitated tone. My mom didn’t hear him so I said that he asked “what?” My mom asks what his thoughts are on the drink package and he says in an aggressive tone to her “I’m not drinking ten beers a day, so I don’t need to be apart of this conversation.” She got frustrated with him and told me to leave him alone because she didn’t need to talk to him when he’s being like that. After I finished the conversation with my parents I told him that it is not okay to talk to my family like that. He said that he was just explaining that he didn’t need to be apart of the conversation. When I pointed out that my mom even got frustrated with his tone and that it’s not just me being crazy he said he didn’t hear her say anything. It’s one thing to get an attitude with me, but it crosses a whole other level getting an attitude with my family.

For more context, he has anxiety and anger issues from unresolved trauma. He has gone to therapy a handful of times since I gave him an ultimatum that he needed to start therapy to work on himself almost two years ago. He went a few times but wasn’t doing the exercises his therapist told him to do so I didn’t push him back because it was a waste of money if he wasn’t going to put in the work. We have continued to have minor, fixable issues, so I told him that we need to start couples therapy or else I’m done. I will say, most things are getting better since even scheduling therapy (haven’t gone to our first appointment yet). I’m worried that him having an attitude with my parents over something so minor is such a big red flag that it’s not even worth trying therapy.

So Reddit, should we try working through couples therapy or is this something that is irreparable?

Very sorry for the rambling or if this doesn’t make sense. My ADHD makes me a terrible story teller