I’m angry, gay, alone, and conflicted about life and the world and my relationship with God.

This is a long post, so sorry in advance.

I’m 23M. My mom comes into my room and she tells me that God gave her a vision/message about me and how I’ve really strayed from Him to the point it’s like I’m not His child. And unfortunately it is true. I have strayed, but there are 3 main factors— and it’s complicated… but I’m going to be very dead honest.

First factor is getting caught up in life’s struggles. College during this past year was torture for me. I never liked school, period, due to many reasons including bullying. This past year I had to deal with unqualified professors, credit hour issues, and financial aid problems. On top of that, I currently work a dead-end job that pays little and I feel as if I’m wasting my life away. I’m trying to get a new job but the market is trash right now. I graduated college in the summer so now I just work and go home. And it’s like this on repeat everyday. I come home to parents that sometimes argue and get on my nerves and an older brother who I do not get along with because he has done things I’m still trying to forgive him for. I mostly just talk to my mom. I stay in my room all day when I don’t have work. I live in a boring smaller town. I have like 2 friends, all moved away. I just go on my phone and get lost in it. The only time I go out besides work is church… my parent’s church. It’s very small and awkward. And all my life I’ve learned about God through my dad who is a pastor, and it wasn’t until last year I started to see the Bible through other people’s interpretations and perspectives. And it made more sense.

My everyday life has made me relatively unhappy. I want to move out and be independent. I want to travel. I want to have fun. I want to experience things. Growing up I spent my youth at home lonely and sad because long story short, school was horrible, so I missed out on those teen experiences. I want to do-over my youth. I want to make friends, go to parties, make memories. I want to upgrade in life and have the career I dream of— and even fall in love… But that brings me to my second factor.

I’m gay. I’ve realized that for 10 years. 2023 I told myself I’d get really close to God, and I did. My faith progressed a lot but then I naturally stopped focusing midway through the year because I got caught up with life. However in that time, I watched lots of videos and read articles about people with same sex attraction like me in Christianity. What I gathered is that the attraction and temptation isn’t a sin but acting on it, is. But it can be hard not to act on it. I realized if I want to be a follower of Jesus, Im probably never going to be able to date and get married because I’m not attracted to women and doing that with guys is a sin. I will never get to do anything romantically with a guy. Like that’s it? I’m going to be single and alone for life? Yes I’ll have friends and family but it’s not the same. I’ve never done anything irl, I’m a virgin and all of that but I crave physical and sexual intimacy. With that craving I fall into lust, and then I watch X-rated things on the internet. 🤷‍♂️

On top of dealing with the fact that i’m gay and having this realization about my future, I have to do it mostly alone. My sister and best friend are the only ones that know I’m gay and nothing has changed between us which is great. However I could never tell the rest of my family that I’m gay— especially my parents. This past Sunday my dad preached on 1 Corinthians 6:9-10. When my dad started speaking about gay people… I don’t know if it’s anger/fear or conviction in me but I felt like he really focused on them and it was kinda judgmental. Disgust in his voice even. And it made me angry but scared because if I told him and my family that I’m gay… i don’t know what would happen. It’s conflicting because yes same sex relations is a sin according to the Bible, but like they would never know what it’s like dealing with this. Society seems to have an extra focus on homosexuality and make it sound worse than anything else. I feel alone, lonely, and frustrated.

I want to live my life and be myself, but also please God. That brings me to my third and final factor:

The third factor is world conflicts, especially Israel vs. Palestine. Watching this genocide happen live on social media has made me so heartbroken and angry. I am pro-Palestinian but some Christians say it’s important to support Israel. I do not hate Jewish people, I do not hate anyone innocent… but I strongly disagree with the Israeli government and their supporters and detest their actions that is killing thousands. Plus this conflict has been going on for DECADES and Israel has looked like the oppressor. But some Christians say “support Israel. It even states in the Bible to not curse Israel or you will be cursed.”

I want to please God, but I cannot support a country doing such horrible things to other people.

And that brings me to another dilemma: what angers me the most about the world is that they use God to justify all of their actions and that puts me in a pickle. I hate how people bash God and Christians who don’t deserve the criticism because the anger is misdirected. However, I hate how some “Christians” use God for their horrible things. Have you seen U.S. politics lately?? And the latter has made me view Christianity in a negative way even though I should not misdirect my anger.

The world is becoming so corrupt, unfair, idiotic, and more. And there are solutions RIGHT THERE, but no one is willing to do it and it PISSES me off. I think it’s called the Paradox of Tolerance/controlled opposition.

So in summary: With all of these factors it has made me a generally angry, lonely, unhappy person that is stuck in stagnancy. I’m annoyed at many people. Im annoyed at life. Im angry at the world. All of this has taken a toll on me and I’ve began to think of Christianity sort of negatively or with a stone heart, and that’s bad. I haven’t prayed or read a Bible in so long because the desire to do that has decreased a lot and I know that’s not good. If I go back into it though, I feel like it will be insincere because I’m not seeking Him truly… Im just doing it because my mom wants me to and also so I don’t end up in hell. I also feel like the end of the world is near and things about to get very dark and scary next year, so I want to get right with Him but I also want to live my life. It’s all so complex.

What do you think? Any advice or comments?