It just hit me

I don't really know what happened or what triggered this, but it just hit me. He's gone but not forgotten, but he's gone and never coming back. He's on a different plane of existence now.

I didn't really cry after watching So Long Nerds and I didn't cry a year later. I think I just didn't have enough time to grieve, there was a lot going on in my personal life when his passing was announced. So I think I was just able to leave it on a shelf, and not pay too much attention to it. But the shelf broke and I've been screaming and crying for the past few days. He's been gone for nearly two years, and I feel like it just happened.

I fucking hate cancer. I know there's nothing that could've been done, and that's what fucks me up. He got a rare cancer, found out about it too late, and there would've been no way for them to know for the doctors to catch it in time. Who besides Dr. Google would jump to the conclusion of cancer for someone in their early 20s. I researched Sarcoma for a while, and I just. The cards were stacked against him. There was no way he would've survived. I wish there was a cure. I wish he was here. I wish they caught it early enough. I wish it was treatable. I keep wishing but it won't bring him back.

I keep bed rotting and doom scrolling over his death. Like it'll fix it. Like I'll stop being sad if I keep scrolling. If I keep refreshing his YouTube page maybe it would've just been a joke. But I know that's denial speaking. He's gone. He has been for 2 years.

This is my first time dealing with grief and I don't think I'm handling it well. I can't imagine the pain his family went through, and I feel just...so sorry for them. Having to put your child in the grave first must be horrific. That should never happen.

My condolences to his family, friends, and everyone in this wonderful community who misses him so dearly. He was a wonderful person who was taken way too soon. I hope he's having fun in Heaven.