It’s deeper than the cheating

I’m still fearful of always having to remain put together and on my top game. That if I slip, if I succumb to depression or addictions, he’ll use it as an excuse to leave me and play himself as the victim. If I bring up the past too often that it’ll be seen as not making efforts to move forward or starting fights. Beyond the cheating, there were things that hurt me even worse that keep me from feeling a sense of protection or safety. One example I come back to is that one time, at the very start of our “reconciliation”, I was really sick and had to go to the hospital. I put off going for two days but eventually I knew I really had to and asked him just to come with me to drop me off in the ER. He wouldn’t do it and I ended up going alone. He says that it’s not important because I didn’t really have to go (I did, it was actually quite serious) so it’s not a big deal and shouldn’t bother me. Things like that worry me that in the future I’ll never have someone to rely on if anything were to happen. It’s hard to rebuild trust and security in a relationship where the betrayals and hurt are deeper than “only” cheating.