This life is tiring

I keep falling into debt, I cut off as much as I can and now I might even need to sell my own birthday gift I just got 2 months ago to make ends meet and I don’t really want to, it was my first decent gift I haven’t break from my anger issues, but I’m falling into debt to pay for basic needs, for keeping mouths fed. I just want to rest and no one allows it now, I feel guilty resting, am I doomed to be stuck in this loop forever, why is the world so tiring?

My partner is mad at me for spending, but I spend for the house, the only thing I got myself was the Nintendo, some clothes, and now a hair dryer. Years and years I barely have new clothes, only thrift or hand me downs. I buy cheap clothes. My friend was even shocked I got brand new clothes.

He’s mad at his company for firing him. He’s mad at himself for being a loser and idk how to comfort him cuz I feel the same way.

I’m staring at the window from the 14th floor. I want to cry but there’s no tears. Fuck this, I’m tired. I have been on survival mode for so long, I just want to be spoon fed some miracle at this point, not fighting for it.

But I’m a mother, a partner, a worker, and many others. I can’t ditch life but I want to. Please just stop testing me for a while, I just want to rest without feeling guilty. Just a little while