One week reclaimed

This is mainly a self vent.

I am agitated and angry and furious and tired. But I’m not using anything… and that feels kind of great. Today I cancelled my standing prescription for all my uppers with all my doctors.

What hurts:

ADHD squirrel is in overdrive and he bought some friends. I can’t concentrate on anything, and the feeling of actively losing brain focus on a topic in real time is freaking devastating. I feel powerless and vulnerable a lot. The smallest of jabs feel like I’m being actively singled out and targeted. I am verbally screaming at myself to take out the trash. Sometimes the thought of not taking out the trash feels like a fate worse than death.

I am extremely hungry for sugar. Regular sucrose sugar.

What is hurting less.

I’m dreaming again. But the dreams scare the shit out of me. It’s a lot about my ex, but it’s also just scary to dream in general. It’s extremely vivid and I often wake up “feeling it”.

I’m actually doing good work… even if it feels otherwise. I’m delegating a lot to my juniors and it’s actually working rather well. It’s strange that I almost always get everything except the task at hand done… which is still a win. Today was the first day I did not have to tap out early either.

What’s good:

I’m going to gym… a lot… and hard. I’ve booked my driving license which I’ve been deferring for 12 years now… my house is impeccably clean. Last night I even played a game without using…. And it felt “ok”.

Overall my mood is all over the place. The dumbest things send me into a rage. But I’m doing the things

Holy shit. I’m doing the things. It just doesn’t feel like I’m doing the things.

Love you, you awesome humans!