The difference between high/clean

I relapsed.

I could tell I was getting more and more stressed out about my weight. More and more insecure and self conscious. All I want is to be accepted and worth something and for someone to even love me.

I've been gaining weight from the withdrawals. I don't even want to be seen or touched because I'm so disgusting.

I got vivid images of me being high and how it would feel and how id be a bit skinnier looking after a binge.

After that, I could instantly see a difference. For days, I was grounded in reality. I was present. I was there. I was connected and not in my own head or the drug.

After I "decided" to do the whole entire plan I had ready in the blink of an eye it seemed...

My boyfriend was talking about normal things that I was becoming accustomed to being interested in again and I had zero interest dude. It was very alarming how apparent the difference was because it was so sad... He wanted to cook together and before I decided to relapse, I would have smiled with love, and said a quit, "sure " while giggling... Pushing myself to get up and complete simple tasks with the encouraging help of my boyfriend.

Instead, I told him I would be back in an hour, as he played music and was happy and upbeat.

He was then crushed and I looked at him and I couldn't believe I was doing that to someone I love. I cried ...

He didn't want to be seen vulnerable so he said "no I'm fine... Go do what you need to. It's fine..." I would have not done it if he didnt say go do it. Not blaming him but that's how it went.