I have to quit this time

Hoping to find some solidarity here. Dunno how many will see this but I thought I’d try anyway.

I’ve been a regular smoker for 14 years. I’ve done green, dabs, carts, and edibles. About 5-6 years ago I started dealing with really awful cyclical nausea and vomiting. It got bad enough to where I ended up going to the ER because I couldn’t keep anything down for days at a time. The ER doctor very firmly suggested it was because of my cannabis use.

Being deeply in denial and unwilling to give up my crutch, I refused to believe it. I’d always been told it was natural, it wasn’t bad for you, it wasn’t addictive, blah de blah de blah. I felt like I needed it to get through all the hard parts of life, the stress, the pressure.

They lie, though. It might be natural, but it’s not good for you. It’s absolutely an addictive substance.

It took me until 2023 to actually accept my diagnosis of CHS (cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome), and what it really took was quitting for two months and realizing how much better I felt.

But see, I wouldn’t be here if that was the end of it. At the end of those two months I had to make the devastating decision to say goodbye to my pup, my loyal companion for nearly 16 years. It was my first time saying goodbye to a pet like that and it broke me. I fell off the wagon like I hadn’t even gotten on it in the first place.

Once my symptoms kicked in hard again I tried to be more resolute. I set my quit day for 4/20/2024, figuring I’d go out with a bang on a stoner holiday that was the same date backwards as forwards (a good ol’ numerical palindrome for ya), and my husband agreed he would do the same. He wasn’t as resolute as I was and broke a few times after, but we both managed to drop the habit with some struggle.

Which now lands us here I suppose. Started back up again in August. I told myself I was going through a lot of stress and working my ass off for a promotion at work, which I was. When I got denied said promotion I just felt like everything crashed down on me and I started smoking even more to compensate.

So, here I am, having managed to arrange for a two week leave from work in order to fully quit and have time to recover. I’ve been sober for about 14 hours or so now. What little bit I did have last was from the bottom wick-flavored dregs of a disposable vape. It’s all gone and I’m sitting here, having made it past closing time for the weed shops, on the bed I’ve been in all day while I puke intermittently - my husband is asleep, and I have the rest of the night to look forward to listening to my body bitch and cry and moan about the condition that it’s in and that I want a smoke.

Fuck me, but I want that moment of relief. It’s all a trap though. There’s no remedy in it, just a temporary fix. And the bandaid gets smaller every time it’s applied.

I absolutely loathe this shit. I hate it and I hate what it does to my brain that makes this so fucking hard to do.

If you also deal with CHS, I’m so, so sorry. Just know you’re not alone. 💙