[QCRIT] Adult Romantic Fantasy THESE FALLEN STARS (109K, 1st Attempt)

Hi everyone. This post could alternately be titled "Please help me save the book of my heart from the querying void -- isn't there anything you can do, Doc?"

Soooo I've been querying my adult romantic fantasy manuscript since May, for a total of 46 queries. I was confident in my package after getting lots of feedback from trusted CPs and agented author friends. I got two full requests really fast, a partial a bit later, and no dice for all the rest. I've racked up 25 rejections total, all forms, and one of my fulls got a kind personalized pass without much actionable feedback. Still waiting to hear about the other requests, but it's been a while.

I know 46 queries is a lot. The only reason I'm coming here is because several agents on my query list are closed, so there are a few more submissions I want to send before calling it quits. This is my sixth manuscript, I've worked on this thing for two years, and it means perhaps more to me than any other book I've written. I'm prepared to shelve it if necessary (I'm already working on my next project and super enjoying it), but if there's any chance I can massage this book back to life, I'll take it.

I appreciate any and all feedback you might have, O great and powerful PubTips! But in particular, I have included an alternate query opening below the main pitch, and I'd be interested to know which one you like better.

Dear [agent name],

I am pleased to share THESE FALLEN STARS, a 109,000-word queer-normative* romantic fantasy standalone novel with series potential that explores the rise of religious fascism through the dual perspectives of a believer and a non-believer. It will appeal to fans of fantastical stories with themes of faith and power such as Hannah Whitten's For the Wolf and Hannah Kaner's Godkiller.

When devout bounty hunter Kore Amadeus sets one of her targets free due to her religion's rules about protecting the vulnerable, Kore's boss vows to ruin her reputation unless she completes a perilous task: harvest the blood of a human cursed to a beastly transformation. With debts to pay and a younger sister to support, Kore has no choice but to venture into the forest in search of her quarry. But instead of a monster, she finds a man.

Vale Winterbourne is in exile. Dying alone in the forest from his monstrous curse, he wants Kore to leave him be. Kore talks him into a deal: in exchange for a bottle of his blood, she'll take him to the city of Seraphalos and find a cure for his impending transformation. Their deal is secured with a magical bond that will kill them both if one dies.

But Kore isn't the only one interested in Vale's blood. With assassins stalking their every move, the pair infiltrate the highly secure Archive of the Church of the Stars, following a lead for the cure. Instead, they find an ancient being claiming to be one of Kore's goddesses. The goddess offers to lift Vale's curse if they complete a series of missions to thwart an anti-Church plot.

Kore jumps at the chance to serve her deity, but Vale suspects a trap. As they uncover the Church's plans to forcibly convert the city to their increasingly fanatical religion, and as the magic binding them turns into deeper feelings, Kore and Vale must decide between risking the safety of Seraphalos or shattering Kore's faith and leaving Vale a monster forever.

[bio, closing, etc.]

*If the agent seems to be especially drawn to LGBTQ+ stories, I sometimes call it queer-normative. Kore is bisexual, most of the important side characters are queer, and the cultures in this world don't assume any one sexuality as the default. But sometimes I leave it out because it makes the sentence a bit clunky. For what it's worth, one of the queries that resulted in a full request included this, and the other didn't.

ALTERNATE OPENING (I've only used this one on my most recent queries and haven't heard back on any of them yet, but I'm interested to know whether y'all think it's better):

I am pleased to share THESE FALLEN STARS, a 109,000-word [queer-normative] romantic fantasy novel told in two points of view about a religious bounty hunter who must team up with the cursed man she was sent to hunt to stop her goddess from taking over the world. It is a standalone novel with series potential that will appeal to fans of fantastical stories with themes of faith and power, such as Hannah Whitten's For the Wolf and Hannah Kaner's Godkiller.

FIRST 300

Chapter One: Kore

Kore Amadeus knew what the rain-speckled envelope contained the second it fell onto her doormat. She placed her morning tea on the stone kitchen counter and hurried on bare feet to pick the letter up. The sound of the paper ripping against her fingernail was entirely too loud, and she glanced toward the bedroom door to ensure she hadn't roused her guest. But perhaps it was actually the noise of her hubris cracking, and only she could hear it.

Amadeus,

Emperor's Head tavern. Seventh hour post meridiem. Bring your contract.

Cassius Trajan

Bounty Hunter Broker

Trajan never spelled his reasons out, but the blanks in this letter filled themselves in easily enough. He'd demanded her contract even though it had a year left on it. This was something that could jeopardize her standing in their business partnership, and it probably concerned the same issue he'd made snide arsehole comments about before.

Reacting to her first failed commission: How unfortunate. Especially for a hunter of your caliber.

Reacting to her second failed commission, with a thin-lipped grimace: I expected better.

It seemed Trajan drew the line at a third failed commission. Kore retrieved her tea and sipped, fixating on the warm liquid settling in her stomach rather than the cold shivers creeping up her spine. She pulled her long russet hair into a plait to give her hands something to do. She regretted nothing about her last assignment, but she had debts to cover and the rent to pay twice over. And most everyone who wanted a hunter went through a broker these days. She'd never become famous enough to take commissions on her own if she kept pissing off the man who represented her.

She'd just tied off her plait when her bedroom door opened, and out sauntered her guest—Livia, the name came back to her—pushing her dark curly hair over her shoulders.