Still feeling immense pain after losing my baby 11 days ago. The guilt is also unbearable.

I had my sweet baby void Bella since she was estimated by the shelter to be around 8 weeks old. I lost her on January 5th when she was 14 years old. I feel like I will be forever traumatized by the events that happened that day.

She has stage 3 CKD and for the most part, it was being managed very well. Diagnosed at stage 2 about 3 years ago and her numbers only increased slightly that whole time entering early stage 3. She had her kidney panel done about 6 months ago as he vet said there has not been any big changes in her last two panels so he said unless I noticed a big change in her, I can wait 4-6 months. I was so focused on controlling her CKD that I had no idea there was something more sinister hidden, which was potential heart disease.

I still wonder if I could’ve caught this. Her last checkup was good. No issues but a slight heart murmur that the vet wasn’t even concerned about. What I do keep thinking about though, is I noticed a bit deeper breathing about 1 week prior to her passing but didn’t think much of it as she was eating, drinking, playing, even had the zoomies. There was no panting or drooling, I just had no idea something was very wrong.

On January 4th, I started seeing her panting slightly and immediately took her to the ER vet. They immediately put her on oxygen and found that she had pleural effusion (fluid in her chest cavity), which was compressing her lungs causing difficulty in breathing. They also saw a mass in her abdomen but wouldn’t be sure what it was unless a biopsy would be done. My priority was to get her breathing back to normal. The vet said with her age and stage CKD, given this is most likely due to heart failure, it would be difficult to treat both and the medications would clash. If I treated her heart, her kidneys would fail quicker, she would stop eating and the prognosis would not be good. If I treated the kidneys. It would put strain on her heart and still, the prognosis would not be good. They gave me promotion to euthanize her and I said absolutely not. So whatever it takes so they drained the fluid and kept her overnight. Monitored her and slowly weaned her off the oxygen until she was able to breathe normally. The following day, the doctor called me to say she was doing well and has breathing well on her own and I could bring her home. I was so happy to pick her up.

So that day, she was home sort of exploring the place, didn’t eat at all but drank TONS of water. I laid out 5 different types of food but she didn’t want any so I just thought it was from the stress of being at the vet overnight and having that procedure done.

I had her home for only a few hours until I saw her hiding under my bed panting heavily. She ran out but as soon as I saw her I immediately grabbed her cat carrier and put her in there, rushed back to the ER. I called them frantically to tell them I was on my way. I remember panicking yelling “oh my gosh she’s dying!!!!!”

As soon as I walked through the door, they met me and brought her in the back to put her back on oxygen. They did an ultrasound and found out that the fluid had built right back up. The vet came in to let me know that putting her through another procedure would not be advised because of how quickly the fluid came back. And if I tried to bring her home again, she would likely pass away at home. She said Bella’s quality of life would be very poor and the outcome at that point is dire.

I made the heart wrenching decision to let her go. They said when they take her out of the oxygen chamber to give her the first sedative, she may not even make it past that so they said afterwards, the would call me to come quickly to the back. It wasn’t even a private room but here the cages and oxygen chambers were. They hurriedly brought me in to see Bella laying on the table gasping for air as they were giving her the sedative. I can’t tell you how much it haunts me hearing and seeing that. I was kissing her and talking to her telling her how much I love her and that it’s ok for her go. And I will look for her again one day. How she is the love of my love and thanked her for loving me so much. She took her last breath and I swear I felt my soul leave with hers.

A few minutes later, they brought her in one of the rooms and I just held her for about 30 minutes kissing her and talking to her. I literally was on the floor wishing I had died.

Fast forward to last week, I was able to view her body again in a more peaceful setting, right before she was created. They let me spend 1.5 hours with her.

And just two days ago, I picked up her ashes.

There has been no break in my grieving and I feel like my world and everything I used to enjoy is just overshadowed by my grief. Everything is about Bella. I have cried every single day. I feel like I could have somehow prevented this or at least have made her transition much easier. I beat myself up everyday. I wonder if I had taken her in one week prior when I first noticed the different breathing pattern if I could’ve saved her.