saying goodbye to my 17 year old lady today

my sweet cat dusty will pass on today at 12:30pm at home. she’s had a big 17 years and i feel like i’ve been preparing myself emotionally for this for the last 3 years - but now that the time has come i realise just how unprepared i really am. i haven’t stopped crying for the last two days since bringing her in for an x-ray for her respiratory issues. the vet found a mass in her throat and took a biopsy but she needed to stay overnight in the emergency vet on oxygen due to the swelling it caused in her throat. i had just picked her up yesterday to take her home and they called me with the results in the car. she has squamous cell carcinoma and i was told she only had a few days at most because it was restricting her airways so badly, so after we got home and settled i made the appointment for them to come and put her to rest today, midday.

i’m struggling so much because was so healthy, snuggly and playful, even up until the moment the vet took her for x-rays on monday. she’s still acting like herself now even though it’s hard to breathe, demanding food and curling up on her favourite cushion. i really feel like i’m losing the other half of my soul. i feel like when we looked into each other’s eyes we could understand each other perfectly. we had conversations every day. she would get upset if i didn’t pat her as soon as i got home and she would yell and snuggle on top of me in the morning if i was taking too long to get up (and feed her). at night she sometimes forgot where i was and cry until finding me in bed, and then she would jump up and cuddle with me while purring so, so loudly even though she usually hates being held. she has such a baby face that people can’t believe she’s actually an old lady and she is so cute that multiple friends who have cats of their own say that she is the cutest cat they know. she was my party cat who was never afraid of guests, always curious, but loved me the best and would only come to me for attention and show only me affection. she showed me every day how much she loved me. i love her so much. more than anything. i genuinely don’t know what i’m going to do without her.

sorry this got so long i had intended to try and unpack some of the grief i am feeling but i’m out of energy. words truly can’t describe the gut-wrenching pain that i am feeling and i don’t see how it will end. i don’t know how to say goodbye without breaking. i’m so scared and unbelievably sad. i miss her so, so much already and she’s still right in front of me now, napping. i don’t know what i’m going to do.