does anyone else feel like they are lying?

title.

it often feels like im lying or 'sleuthing' when it comes to my condition around my loved ones. like im secretly an awful person and im just pretending to be a good person to remain friends with the people i know and love. i know it's an ocd thing, because ive struggled with these feelings for forever, but still. it sucks. i feel like im lying to my friends because 'wow omg im actually a bad person and they just don't know it' and as a result. my ability to enjoy my time with them becomes skewered. i don't feel like i deserve them with half the thoughts that run through my head, but i also don't want to lose them because they're the only people in my life that have shown me what it means to be loved by others.

it is so difficult. i hate this condition.