I never really loved him either

I am 11 days no contact. The longest I have gone in months because I would always end up running back after a few days - week max. This went on for 11 months.

The truth is though, I saw through his mask so early on. I knew he wasn’t “my person” the FIRST day. I just knew. It was a feeling. I didn’t think we really clicked and truth is I never really liked him as a person. I knew he was never someone I would bring home to my family. I knew he wouldn’t fit in with my friends. I didn’t like how he spoke to his mom over the phone our first time hanging out. Of course more and more things slipped over time.

Yet I still went out with him. He was very insistent on going out. He showered me with compliments and affection and would tell me how interesting he thought I was. He would always plan the dates and go all out to woo me. But truth is, even then, I didn’t REALLY like him as a person because i could tell he was an asshole. I could tell he rubbed people the wrong way. I could tell he was arrogant and would call people “no bodies” thinking I would agree with him. I was guarded the entire time because I had this gut feeling. But I stayed anyway because unfortunately I liked the attention, I liked having someone telling me they wanted me so badly.

But once I was hocked I was hocked. The highs were high and the lows were not that bad. Not at first at least. It just gradually got so bad that I didn’t even realize how it had gotten to the extent it did.

I guess I feel “lucky” that I never liked him. I did have love for him at some point, in the sense that I cared about him and did feel bad for the things he’s gone through. But I never truly loved him either.