I’m back after my grandiose tirade yesterday

I broke today.

I lost something very special to me today in the parking garage and a security guard helped me find it. I started to tear up telling them how special this thing was to me. They offered me a hug and I took it.

It was genuine connection and it felt so wonderful. And I see how empty my life is of that, truly. And admitting to myself how much I want that, genuinely. And I am a sobfest tonight because I feel like I came so close to having that again, and it wasn’t real. Once again I fell completely in love with an illusion and had my heart shattered in 3 weeks.

My therapist helped me understand and truly comprehend how my own actions in this led me to where I am. I realize I am not a giant victim in this and that I have complete disregard for boundaries, a massive need to please others because I crave intimacy while also at the same time being completely terrified of it, and I have hypersexuality and create these intimate relationships in places that have absolutely no future or is in some way completely inappropriate or plain dangerous.

And to be honest I knew when I was with him I was playing with fire. I was just arrogant enough to think that I was smarter so I wasn’t going to be the one who ended up hurt in all this. And I did what I needed to do to put an end to the relationship on my terms with him believing he was the only one at fault and me walking away still looking perfect. Wanting him to suffer forever and torment his mind silently.

Anyways I got off track because I’m blazed again tonight, as usual but yeah wanted to be accountable for my bullshit so here I am 🙃