On the verge of giving up, please help me - Desperate for advice on the basics. I haven’t received ONE good sign for a year

I started meditating about a year ago, but only became consistent in Aug. 

Today I hit yet another, breaking point, just when I thought I was already frustrated from past weeks. I just gave into the feeling of frustration today during a meditation. I actually screamed out loud - and im not proud of this, but I got so frustrated I just cried and smacked my hands against my head for not getting it. Everyone says there’s no wrong way to meditate, but there IS isn’t there? Sitting and twirling your thumbs, not refocusing your attention when it wanders, constantly moving and not attempting to sit still, those are all wrong ways to meditate, & you would advise someone against that and give them best practices too be a good meditator. Not to mention, I get so confused reading advice on here. Some say there’s no wrong way to meditate, some say there is. Do I let go? Or do I keep an intention to be relaxed and try my best?

I am struggling with the basics here. You might’ve seen some of my other posts, but im just not getting it. Im sorry, im trying all the right stuff. I know the WHY - everyone responds the same thing but it’s not clicking for me even though I understand it intellectually. I know why doing the breath, letting go, refocusing attention, having no expectations are all important. I get it. But im so fucking confused on applying it. I do the breathwork, I identified my limiting beliefs and honestly, I thought I was making progress until my meditation today. I didn’t even go into it today feeling bad - I was excited! I feel like my higher self throughout the day - im not anxious for stressed. But it took a turn for the worse. I cant stop falling asleep, or if im  awake, then feeling nothing. I set goals to just not have thoughts for the duration of a breath, I read all the books, ive tried it all.

I have not ever gone into the theta state. I asked God/Universe/Higher Power for signs since August. Even something tiny. Nothing. I have never felt connected to something higher than me during meditation. I don’t even feel like im in any relaxed state but my mind is awake - I just fucking feel my body, feel my mind thinking. I’ve never experienced any elevated for euphoric or even positive state. Heres what I feel during meditations: “ok im meditating, okay im in the process of it, oh okay now im done ive just meditated”. And half the time, im not expecting some brain orgasm or cosmic force taking over my body - just want to be relaxed an AT FUCKING LEAST get into a meditative state. Thats all! Even if its for ONE MINUTE. I always notice at points in my meditation that my eyes are squinting really hard, or my muscles are doing light flexing/tensing and I have to consciously release. 

The funny thing, I was doing a great job at identifying limiting beliefs & negative thoughts and actually tackling them! I felt good day to day, work in progress but progressing in my mindset. I found out I had issues with self worth, and honestly, I slowly started to feel worthy. It’s not that I was some miserable, pessimistic person throughout my day and expected miracles in meditation. 

HOW do I keep my body relaxed and mind awake. How do I get into a meditative state. Sometimes I meditate for HOURS each day - mind you this has been for months - nothing. I cried ugly tears because im just tired. I wish I had some tiny feeling of being connected to something bigger than me - to help motivate me to keep going, but nothing. I dont feel motivated anymore. I dont feel connected to a higher power. Hell, I dont even feel connected to me anymore. I feel like a fucking failure. Like I just cant let go, or just dont get it. Like what do you DO to focus the energy in the brain? How do you do it? I know this isn’t true, but I feel like the universe is a little mischievous kid, giggling at watching me fail over and over again. I never used to see the universe as some cruel entity that likes to play jokes, but today, that image popped into my head. This grand universe just not caring about me. I think thats what makes it harder, when I want to find the motivation to keep going, I dont feel it, because I dont feel like I ever made contact. I wish I could have just 1 small win.

If any of you know how to move forward, please please please help me. I am willing to do whatever it takes - I just dont know how. I KNOW this is an issue with he basics, I just done know how to overcome it anymore. Thank you again for listening to me.