Trial seperation, now I want a divorce
I need some help I’ve put information that I think may be relevant.
I was a SAHM for 7 years with two kids under 10yrs. I moved out, taking nothing except my clothes/shoe’s toiletries. I worked for a year (2023) in a job that is commission based that required me to open a bank account. I opened a business account, against his wishes, and he is one of the signatories on it. With every commission I was paid, I moved a percentage of money from my business account into his account. I have put this commission-based role on hold for now as I am working a full -time job.
I had access to his bank account via the banking app for about 2 months after I left, until he removed my access to it without warning. I was not relying on that money anyway so it’s fine. But still feels dodgy in some way tbh.
My new place (rented) is partially furnished by a relative (my bed, kid’s beds, sofa, microwave, washing machine, toaster, air fryer and kettle) and with items gifted for free by my sister (fridge).
Relative paid for my whole set up in the rented place with the understanding that if I proceeded with the separation/divorce, I would buy it all off them, or if I go back, they will take it all.
After 6 months of separation, I have decided there is no going back so wish to make this separation legal/permanent.
In terms of child custody, we have them 50/50. The father pays child support (which we calculated based on the calculator available on the IRD website).
Notes: - we don’t own a house. All we own is two cars (one each) he owns a motorbike, and standard house furnishings/appliances.
I told hubby I wanted to separate on the 30th of June 2024, moved out of the house first week of August 2024. I still stayed in the house with him as I was looking for a rental and a job.
I visited WINZ the first week of July and submitted a statutory declaration form declaring my separation.
I started my job a week after I moved out so mid-August.
we had two cars, both purchased after marriage, and both were under his name (he refused to have one of them under my name).
refused to open joint bank account (for reasons I don’t want to mention to stay anonymous) so all the finances went through his bank account under his name.
When I left, I opened a new bank account and took no money from our savings account. I only had the money in my business account which was around 3k with which I paid my bond.
we have money in an investment account that is under both our names so if he wishes to take money out, I will have to approve it and vice versa so I feel that is safe for now.
I earn about $46K a year. For those wondering why such a low paying job: I have the potential to earn more, but this role is a stepping stone whilst the kids get used to the change and allows me to get my feet wet in corporate again. The role also allows me to prioritise the kids during this change. The father has the help of ex-MIL and can WFH on the days he gets the kids.
Questions: 1. What do I need to do if I want to legally separate from husband and then file for divorce.
What is a parenting agreement and what or how should I go about writing one up?
Considering I didn’t take any money from the bank account when I left, (even though it is legally our money), how much am I entitled to?
Considering I didn’t take anything from the house (tech, furniture) am I entitled to any monetary compensation, and can I ask for something now?
a. I don’t really need anything now except maybe the odd apple corer or a roasting tray that may be big enough. We are on relatively good terms as he is hoping I’ll come back, but I am 100% certain he will flip the switch once I tell him I’m leaving. He is a clinically diagnosed Narcissist.
b. Frankly, I didn’t take anything as I didn’t want to upset the kids further and, I just wanted out from the abusive relationship, so I just needed to go.
Kiwisaver (KS): how much of his KS and my KS with either of us be entitled to? Please note for the duration of our marriage I was a Stay at Home Mum (SAHM) so I didn’t contribute towards my KS. But I did enter the marriage with maybe $40K in KS.
He has the Australia version of KS in which he has $40K: how much of that am I entitled to?
Investments: majority of our money is in our investment account under both names. This is safe for now as if two-person approval is required if someone wants to withdraw money. a. Kids: the kids each also have money in there which we have been regularly investing into (this has stopped since the separation). These accounts are also in our names and not the kids’ names. Should I change this into the kids account? We kept it under both our names, so the kids don’t have access to it once they turn 21. But since I’m considering a divorce, what should I do?
We both agreed to try reconciliation, but I found out a few days ago that he has been seeing an escort. That’s none of my business, but considering we were trying to reconcile, and we did agree to not date others this feels like the TV show Friends version of Ross/Rachel (we were on a break) situation and I’m not here for that.
I made 8K in the commission based role, and I think I maybe only transferred 3.5K into his account. How do I calculate how much I owe him now?
Thank you so much.