Feeling Groomed

Hey, all.

Before I begin with my newest little tangent, I’d like to apologize for my last post, which caused some upset. I don’t recall whether or not I’ve since deleted it, but the tldr; of it was just a very poorly worded rant about how disturbed I am by Michael- in this post, I likened him to a serial killer– which was poor wording and an unnecessary and innapropriate comparison on my part. What I was getting at was essentially, he now gives me the heebie jeebies, but pedophiles and rapists alike can very effectively do that without also being a serial killer. It was just a strange take on my part, and I was running on little sleep and high emotion due to having gone too far down the rabbit hole. I hope you can forgive me.

Onto what I’ve to say now… Ugh.

I never knew the guy, so it sounds so silly to say this as though I was personally affected– it honestly feels disrespectful towards his victims… but man I feel like I’ve been groomed all this time. I just feel so played, and… dirty. Like I’ve been duped by a sleazy cult leader. I really defended this nonce tooth and nail. I was nine years old when I learned about him.

To give some context… I was… sort of? Raised catholic? My mother was religious, believed in Jesus but we didn’t go to church. Anyway, she always preached about Jesus and love and kindness and that kinda thing…

So when I found out about the late, great, Michael Jackson… I guess my little kid mind tried to find parallels to him and to Jesus. Kind, his message that of “peace and love”, misunderstood, “crucified”, all this bullshit. I was fully bought into it and I was so amazed by him, like “wow, this is just like how my mom described Jesus to be” and I guess- not DIRECTLY mind you, but subconsciously, I legit likened Michael Jackson to a prophet or something. I was so disarmed by his demeanor. He was my hero and he was my Jesus.

I really wanted to believe in this all loving, unconditionally forgiving higher power, fatherly type of figure, and I placed that image onto Michael Jackson. It wasn’t hard, he crafted that image of his own accord, as I’ve now come to understand.

With the truth so blatant in my face now, my view of him shattered, I was left feeling a bit lost. Betrayed, disgusted, and even, somehow, used.

I just feel sick. I know I’ve made plentiful posts with this sentiment but I guess I’m more or less thinking out loud to myself. I understand now why Michael Jackson was so important to me, because I genuinely viewed him as a religious figure, an all knowing, pure and comforting figure that I could put all my trust in.

How disturbing and fucked up is that? That’s cult shit. I feel like I’ve been in a cult this whole time. I think I can truly and honestly say, that to some extent, I have some sense of how one can become envelopped in a cult. Vulnerability, naivety, wanting something, someone to believe in, wanting a sense of community… a was a lonely child.

A lonely child given way too much time unsupervised on the internet. Joining MJ forums and fanpages. Festering in echo chambers. Hanging on to every flimsy excuse.

Though I had my doubts, I wanted to believe. So badly.

Those poor kids. Those poor little kids. I don’t visit this subreddit as often but when I see the photos posted of those poor babies with that plastic doll-man… sitting on his lap, holding his hand, but their eyes scream that they’d rather be anywhere else. And it was always such a systematic thing, he had a whole team to ensure the seperation between the parent and child. How fucking sick is that. All I can think about is my son, my young little son, my baby.

My poor little baby, pulled from me and groomed and abused. I just feel so furious and so helpless at the same time. I understand that these parents were manipulated to no end, I do. I don’t place too much blame on them, though I’d never let anybody beg and plead and cry with me to be left alone with my child without my supervision, no matter how pitiful the display. I’d be alarmed and disturbed for certain, and I’d probably feel bad if I didn’t know any better- but hey. HEY. That’s MY child. What the fuck do you think you’re doing trying to guilt trip me into giving you unlimited access to MY CHILD?!

It all just sickens me. I’m just sad.

Anyway. I’m tired of him. I just want to forget about him entirely. I think of him and I know he’s dead but just the mere thought of him makes me wanna hold my kiddo tight and never let go. I really don’t want this strange… trauma? (Can I call it trauma? Is that too dramatic for an ex-fan?) to negatively affect my parenting, I don’t want to be an overprotective wreck… but I also never, ever want what happened to these poor babies, to happen to mine.

Ugh he sucked. I wish his victims had gotten justice before that old twig kicked the bucket.