allowing myself anger

I am finally starting to allow myself some anger after experiencing multiple breakups and taking on a lot of self-blame for them. Finally, my nervous system is letting me assign some responsibility to my exes. Whatever it is, it feels necessary. Even if I don’t have to act, call, talk to them, or be nasty to them, just allowing my nervous system the relief feels justified.

It’s an experience that feels new. I’ve been through breakups before, but this is the first time I’ve experienced depression so deeply that I felt stuck. Although I am still in it, I am finally feeling some level of optimism—and this anger is part of it. It feels like it was pent up, not just from the last two relationships (at which my anger is currently targeted), but from my whole childhood.

It’s like one part of me, at least, is finding help. (I’ve spoken about this part before—he’s a lover character.) Honestly, I don’t know where this is going. There’s a dialogue in my head that sounds misogynistic, which isn’t like me.

I think this part of acknowledges how I and all the parts were hurt. And how my nervous system believed a lie about my being responsible for all the hurt. And this part wants revenge. It’s in a way narcissistic.

But at the same time, I don’t want to shut him out. I want to at least dialogue with him, allow him to be seen and heard—without hurting anyone.

At this point, this is where I am.