2 years later — so much pain

Be me.

Met my wife at 18 on first day of college. Kind of a lopsided relationship. I was super popular with lots of friends and female prospects. I can’t say I was beating women off with a stick, but having women throw themselves at me was not unusual.

She was the opposite — no male prospects whatsoever. I was her “first” everything — down to first kiss (and, yes, this in college!). It wasn’t the fact she isn’t attractive — more that she is introverted and more quiet than a lot of other women.

I actually caught some “flak” in the immature college years — with friends (both male and female) saying I could “do better”. This was especially pertinent in her displays of affection. Again, probably due to her introverted nature, she came off as “cold”. I won’t lie, I felt this especially “in the bedroom”, with her being almost asexual — at least compared to other women I dated.

Still I stuck it out — love is love and I did (still do) love her more than life itself.

Fast forward 20+ years, we are married with a daughter. Life isn’t ideal, but all things being equal, I believed our relationship was doing pretty well.

Then came the bombshell.

Two years ago, I found that she had been having a year long affair with a work colleague.

To my utter pain and horror, the details of their sexual relationship borders on “primal” — sex in offices, afternoon quickies, etc. Intimacy and passion I never had with her.

We are in therapy and in many ways, life has returned to normal after the initial shock and heartbreak. She claims — and in many ways (foolish or not) I believe her — this was a one time screw up being a combination of circumstances which are too complicated to post here.

Still — 2 years later — I cannot heal.

The passion/intimacy she gave this other man — not me — is devastating. Further, and I don’t know how to read this, she never cried about this. Therapy, confrontations, etc. she never shed a single tear.

By way of perspective, I wept daily — and still do from time to time when I think about it.

And this is where I am — 2 years later. Still hurt and broken and not much better than when I was when I originally found out.

She desperately wants to put this behind us — again with her claim this was all a fluke.

I, however, cannot.

It is still so raw and given above -/ especially the passion and year long nature of the affair — it is especially painful.

One a popular, confident gregarious personality — I have fallen into self-doubt, pity, and remorse.

Not sure what to do. This post is more of a venting/self-therapy whine than anything.

But if you got this far, thanks for listening.