27M Supposedly fixed my mental health issues and got into great shape, people want to talk to me now, women want to date me, jobs wanna hire me, yet now I just HATE everyone around me.
For context I used to be a pretty fat guy, around 90 pounds overweight, me being overweight started in middle school due to trying to binge eat my anxiety away and then getting worse when being fat and lonely made my anxiety worse. No girlfriends ever, just a pity hook up once, unable to keep friends because of how exhausting it felt plus I most likely was really cringe.
I was anxious and depressed from being a loner that I worked REALLY REALLY hard for years to become good at talking with others and dancing, the sharp anxiety burning in my chest yet I pushed myself to overcome it because I did not want to keep being invisible to the world.
Yet I was still invisible, everyone "liked" me, I'm pleasant to be around because I take care to show genuine interest in people's hobbies, I do my best to make people feel happy when we're hanging out, and make a constant and concerted effort to be kind to others because of how unkind I felt the world was to me. No girls would want to date me or hook up with me, no guys considered me a bro or even showed me real respect Imo (specially in sports oriented situations or at the gym), I would not get the jobs I wanted, etc.
So I was really depressed regularly contemplating suicide, yet I didn't because of my dog. Dog died 3 years ago, shaking and vomiting in my arms due to his old age littering his organs with cancer. I grieved him hard, and in that grieving something clicked, I started managing my time and meals, I started to exercise, I started to do sports again, and since then I have gone from around 270 to 180 lean muscle.
Now here we are...
The world loves me! I get random girls talking to me and hitting on me, I'm the popular guy getting invited to group chats, I am treated extremely nice by staff very often and have even gotten free stuff sometimes after getting a convo going, I am the center of attention at parties and happy hour with my stories and speeches. Life should be great now right?
WRONG! I haven't changed, I am still the same person that would do kind gestures for others and speak with them to make them happy because I genuinely felt happy seeing others smile, my heart was extremely callused to the looks of disgust I received from others, to being outright ignored in front of people I had spoken to before, being coldly rejected and ghosted because I dared to ask if they wanted to see a new film in the theaters, I remember every moment the society around me spat on me and I shrugged it off because it was nothing new because it wasn't.
Now that never happens, because I got fit I am now worth more it seems, and it utterly disgusts me. My anxiety and depression are back like before, thankfully fitness helps me a lot so I am still very active, but I am just so angry now. So so so angry, my love and social skills have not changed yet now society deems that I am worthy of recognition, I am now actually worth something because I am "attractive."
I don't even wanna date anyone because every person that shows interest in me just seems vapid and shallow, their desperation to be with me breaks my heart when it doesn't freak me out because I know I would just be a 0 to the left if I was even slightly overweight. I even wanna get back with my ex even though she would get drunk and beat me, because I know that she at least cared for me in a way none of these others ever did or maybe even will.
idk why I am even posting this, I guess it's to vent in a venue where I hopefully won't get made fun of being miserable when I should be happy apparently.
TL;DR
Had a major glowup in the last couple of years when grieving a death in the family, people now treat me with kindness and respect because I am fit and I honestly have a deep hatred for others now because I remember either how they themselves treated me or how the society they make up treated me. My deep mysandry is making my depression and anxiety worse, and idk what to do.
Edit: grammar fixes and removed “utterly miserable” because while I am having a tough time this thankfully is not the darkest point in my life in retrospect.