Midlife crisis check in

Update:

HOLY COW YOU GUYS!! I had no idea this post would get so much attention and you all kept me up way too late reading and responding to comments. But I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to be able to have a soul baring vent with a bunch of internet strangers and find I’m nowhere near alone in this journey of the next half of life.

I wanted to respond to everyone, but if I missed it, please know how much it means to know we are commiserating together. And that we can all laugh about it too!

Thanks pals, it’s nice to see we aren’t alone.

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46F, never married, no kids, have been self employed for 20 years.

Man it’s fucking HARD sometimes.

Throw in perimenopause and good god, it’s like when does the roller coaster stop?

To be fair, I’ve made the best with the hand I’ve been dealt (or chosen). Always thought I would be a wife/mom. Dating is a dumpster fire and now I’m too exhausted and jaded to keep putting myself out there. So instead I focus on my work, my home, my hobbies, my friends, and do quite enjoy the “I can do whatever I want” laissez-fare attitude I have adopted.

BUT, the constant overwhelm of everything falling on my shoulders, wondering how I’ll ever retire when I haven’t had the luxury of a 401k match from an employer, the crippling loneliness sometimes (don’t get me wrong, I am VERY comfortable being by myself, I’ve lived alone since I purchased my first house in ‘08), and just the little things of not having anyone ask how your day was, or fetch you a snack when you’re all cozy, or let the dogs out. Not to mention the fear of what happens if suddenly the foundation on my house goes and I don’t have $30,000 to fix it.

Then it’s looking at how the second half of life should go. I look at my friends around my age, or a few years younger or older and watching their kids grow up, or people get divorced because they realize kids were what was holding them together and now that they’re out of the house, now what? Don’t even get me started on the whole ethical non-monogamy trend that is gaining traction. People are comfortable enough with their person at home but they’ve grown apart sexually so want to explore, but still go home to their forever person each night. To each their own but not for me.

I’ve become more and more turned off with social media, and just the vast amount of information and stuff that is constantly being thrown at us. Watching the world change. Wondering what kind of legacy I want to leave, and to whom. Trying to find the balance between doing all of the things and none of the things. All while trying to maintain friendships, stay healthy, be a good person, try to get ahead, and just find your people that you can commiserate with.

Thank you, folks, for being the group that I can commiserate with. 💪🏼