I can’t handle it

I restored weight and then kept going and now I’m back to where I started which is too much for my body and even my therapist said I never had to go back to that weight if I didn’t want to and I didn’t but here I am and also she says I’m not fat and I look fit and vibrant but I don’t believe her because she hasn’t seen me naked which is a horrendous sight. I’m 41 and afraid I’m going to just look like this from now on and possibly continue to put on weight due to hormones and crap, which aren’t an issue when underweight. It’s the best of all worlds and now it’s all gone and I hate my existence.