We had sex for 12 minutes

Which more than doubles our monthly total. I've not tagged is a progress post because I'm not sure it is.

We did not put the kids to bed early as planned, but that hardly matters. Surprisingly there was a little foreplay. She gave me little bit of oral, which consisted of a few seconds of mouth action then stopping. We did that a few minutes then she climbed aboard for cowgirl.

That was ok. She enjoyed, was moaning, wanted me to touch her ass. No kissing. Breasts too sensitive to do much to.

We switched positions at her request to sideways which she really likes. We can't kiss in that position so I kissed her arm mostly. After a few minutes she said she was getting sore so asked me to wrap it up. I did.

She can't cum during sex and has a hard time doing so with anyone in the room, so I left her to finish by herself.

She told me she had a great time. Wants to do more, as soon as Saturday. Even agreed I could stick around after when she is finishing herself, next time.

So is this progress? In the sense that we've had more sex in this month than all of last year, yes. In the sense of my satisfaction, I hate to say maybe no.

I really do hate to say this, but maybe it's just not enough. I know she's trying. That means a ton.

I'm just not sure that after years of nothing that this is much progress.

What am I saying, that I'd prefer all of nothing, to half of something? Maybe so!

Part of me sees my sexual future with her as not that much better than this. Maybe it's awful of me to say, but I need not just more than this, but better than this.

I need blowjobs. I need ball sucking. I need to worship her sweaty ass. I need her to bend over and invite me to plunge in. I need outfits and toys. I need kissing and handjobs. I need 69 and 42 and 101010 (kidding).

She told me last night that the length of our session was just right for her- 10 to 15 minutes.

I'm not sure that works for me.

I'm haunted by the spectre that this is the peak for her. That once a week, a few minutes of oral and nine minutes of PIV is sufficient. It is not sufficient for me.

I'd like to improve my stamina, because it feels better for me when I go longer. But she's not interested in longer.

She has been using her vag cream more, yes. Nine minutes is better than 90 seconds, yes. I'm just not sure this is enough.

Part of me says, stick with her. Encourage her. Turn nine minutes into 10, then 12. And maybe that's true, maybe it can happen.

My biggest problem is that I live in that hope, that toxic optimism, in everything. Job sucks? Stick with it! It'll get better. Then I'm here going on 9 years and nope, still sucks.

I have a hard time seeing crappy things for how crappy they are. Always the hope, always the optimism, always "the harder you work the better it gets." Thanks boomer dad.

For the first time, I'm examining this belief and questioning it. Maybe things won't actually get better with her. Its the first time I've actually contemplated such a thing. Can I really turn my 10-minutes-a-week wife into a cock loving slut? Is that realistic, or toxic optimism?

Do I try for a year? Do I try at all? It's her sex life too, after all. If she wants a partner that gives her less than an hour a month, should I free her to pursue that, rather than hold her to my standard?

I don't want to be up her ass all the time (ok I really do). But I want her to relax and enjoy her sex life too, not always be wondering if she's doing enough to make me happy.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore.