my dad's girlfriend is pregnant.

I don't even know how to write this. I feel so many different types of emotions right now.

Anger, sadness, denial, dread. Everything. I am so sorry that this may not be clear or coherent.

But like the title says my dad's girlfriend is pregnant. And for some god damn reason even though he can't even handle the kids he already has he thinks having another one is okay and great idea since "he is different now" and "babies aren't that hard".

Is he fucking serious? I used to think people were joking when they said he was a narcissist but I think he is one. Seriously? Another baby.

I already struggled so much with my last siblings. I know this is gonna get people to hate me and that it makes me sound like a monster but I hated them.

I took care of them yes but I still hated them. I already hate this new baby. My dad's girlfriend is a mess and so is he. I did all the housework, handlers all the bills, did all the cooking, kept track of pizza days and allergies, playdates, handled them when they were sick. I know it selfish but I don't wanna do it again. I don't even want my own kids. I am so fucking done.

A part of me wants to run to Vermont and stay there forever. Maybe start a carpentry business or a book store or something. Vermont is only a five hour drive away from where I live.

The other part of me wants to give her five hundred dollars for the abortion and tell her everything my father has done to me.

The times he has let his friend s/a me, the times he locked me in a closet for days without feeding me or giving me water, the times has hit, burned, slapped me because he was in a drunken angry haze.

I know he is different. I know he has changed. I know that alcoholism and addictions aren't his fault but why? Why does he have to another child? Why doesn't he just finish with the family he already started? Why? Couldn't I have parents that loved me enough to stay?

I already told him that if he has this child he'll need to leave and he said he needs time to think about it. My siblings have been crying non stop about talking about how I'm keeping them away from their father.

I'm just done. Thanks for letting me talk about my feelings. I know it's stupid to feel this way and I know you all are definitely tired of hearing about it but thank you anyways.