Questioning everything

I’ve been on the healing journey for like 8 years.

Yet somehow I’m still codependent. I thought I healed from it, but I didn’t. Because I got back with my severely mentally ill ex once more didn’t I, and yet again I tried to save him, and spoiler alert once again it didn’t work. And after a meeting with a potential sponsor in the Codependent Recovery program I am starting now after a nasty breakup, I’m questioning everything I thought about myself and I’m waking up even more to how truly sick I’ve been, the level of delusion I’ve lived in.

Was every act of kindness I’ve done some form of unconscious manipulation? Am I truly kind or empathetic at all or was it really all selfish motivation? Am I actually a controlling monster? Do I even want to go back to my healing business? I thought I really loved people, but I just didn’t love myself enough, but maybe I was just using them all along.

The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over but expecting a different result. How many times have I tried to fix someone who didn’t want to be fixed? How many times did I delude myself this time would be different? Truly, I’ve realized, I’m insane.