Misgendering is a Sin: Stop it!

I sometimes see people argue with transpeople about the meaning of gender. They might say things like "you can't be a woman. You have a penis! What happened to chromosomes determining sex?". Defenders of trans rights might similarly engage this discourse by talking about the complexities of sex, gender, gender identity, and so forth. In such cases, what I argue is that the function of these discourses is not - despite appearances - really about what's true at all.

Consider a transperson who comes out to their parents. The transperson says “I am X gender”. In reply, their parents say “You are mistaken. You are Y gender. You have such-and-such body parts or such-and-such essential nature”.

What is the function of this argument? Is one person saying something “true” and the other “false”? Surely, both parties could resolve this disagreement in the following way: “According to my definition, you are X gender. According to yours, you are Y gender. This is just a matter of deciding on the meaning of words.” Surely both parties can accept this resolution if this disagreement is merely about the truth of the matter. But this is typically not a satisfying resolution to this conflict to either the transperson or the transphobe. Why not?

My explanation for why people act this way when arguing about something that looks like it can be resolved by agreeing on semantics is that whether they realize it or not, this discourse is not about truth: it’s about power. There is no way to rationally come to a correct judgement about someone's gender, so arguments about the body parts of people, the nature of sexual difference, and so on are simply irrelevant to the purpose of that discourse.

Another way to say this is that gender is a social construct, and as such, the choice of this-or-that construct is arbitrary from the standpoint of a true account of reality. However, the choice is not arbitrary from the standpoint of other attributes, like most importantly, the power dynamics of these constructs. If this is the case, you should think about whether you should use this-or-that construct. What are its effects?

The construct adopted by many people is that people are born women or man, and that this designation comes with it a predefined and prescribed role in society. When people transgress the bounds of this construct by for instance, being trans or being gay, then the people who adopt this construct feel entitled to reach into a toolbox to coerce people back into place. Misgendering is about reaching into that toolbox and not about speaking a truth. It's an emotional bludgeon, carrying with it the ugly sentiment that someone's existence is illegitimate. The point is to make transpeople feel guilty, not accepted, unloved, and so forth. Is that a consequence you are willing to accept?

Now I know many will respond that they know perfectly well that misgendering is about power, but that it’s loving nonetheless to use that power even if it hurts because the pain is small in comparison to eternal damnation. That’s wrong on two counts: (1) the damage you do to your trans brothers and sisters by not accepting them is enormous and (2) God isn’t gonna hurt trans people for being trans.

To all my trans brothers and sisters, you are not a mistake! If there's a God, he loves you as you are. If there isn't a God, there's the rest of us loving humans who accept you despite those misguided humans who insist on making your life harder. 🏳️‍⚧