sexual abuse trauma + chronic pain = a special kind of hell

It constantly feels like my body is trying to punish me. I think I may have endometriosis, and since of right now I haven't been diagnosed with the disease officially. My gyno wants me to go on birth control for a few months to see what we can do from there; the only way to diagnose endometriosis is by laparoscopic surgery. Anyways my body fucking hates me. I have throbbing, sharp pain in my pelvis, vagina, hips, and sometimes legs that seem to appear out of nowhere. Sometimes they come after using the bathroom, sometimes during ovulation. During my periods the pain gets to its worst point. It feels like I'm being impaled from the inside with hot metal. Even the most simple movement makes it worse, and walking feels like I'm being ripped little by little. My mind goes to a dark, dark place when I have my period. Most of the time the pain is "manageable" (I've gotten used to the baseline) but sometimes it can get excruciating. Sometimes the cramps in my abdomen and vagina get so severe I can't eat or stand up. I cry and sob in pain. Using the bathroom feels like my insides are swelling up. The pain used to only be around my menstrual cycle but I think it's getting worse. I've been having worse pain that would appear around ovulation, or pains that have nothing to do with my cycle. More frequent, too. I'm scared of getting worse.

I think it's a special kind of ironic that I'm experiencing this too. Imagine being a war veteran and having a condition that makes you hear the sound of bullets and explosions. That's what it's like for me; my chronic pain triggers my sexual trauma. The sharp pain in my vagina and pelvic area literally feels like I'm being penetrated. Again and again and again. I hate feeling the pain, I hate seeing all the blood that comes with menstruation. My sexual intrusive thoughts get worse, and I can hear a voice of a little girl saying "it hurts." It feels like my body is a special kind of hell designed to punish my soul. The only way I'm surviving this is by through gallows humor because isn't this so fucking ironic? My body is a cage, and it will always remind me of my worst moments. I will always be reminded of how fragile and weak my body is. I just want to escape.