I reached out to an old friend after a long period of isolation and i’m regretting it kinda

So for the past 4 years i’ve really been struggling with dissociation and feeling disconnected from myself so i went into freeze mode and decided to hide from the world. I deleted all social media, stopped replying to texts, went mute and pretty much just stayed in my house until last year when i met a guy and fell in love blah blah (whole other story) anyways i’ve been progressing and decided recently i’d get back on social media and replied to one friend.

I guess i was feeling hopeful that i could reconnect but i’m kinda just finding it hard to not be overwhelmed. I find it very triggering to talk to anyone who knew me pre-cptsd because they knew me as a whole different person. I find myself trying to say things the old me would say. I wish i could just be who i am but i’m just embarrassed and am dealing with a lot of toxic shame. Also I don’t really know who i am as most of these past few years have been spent in a hyper-vigilant survival mode type state.

Anyways i’ve told her that eventually i’ll want to meet up with her when i’m ready and i was hoping to speak through text a bit more before getting to that but she wants to catch up now. I know she’s probably not trying to pressure me but i feel pressured. I’m feeling really overwhelmed and feel like hiding again. I don’t want to tell her no cos i don’t want her to think i don’t want to catch up but i also am not ready and i know that.

I know that this is my inner critic talking but sometimes i honestly feel like i’m just better off alone. Like i want friends but i’m so sensitive that it legit feels impossible to have any. Any advice?