Oh deer 😔

Currently I’m researching a lot of self-help tips to help me overcome trauma. Don’t have insurance to afford a therapist, but Reddit does make me feel like I have a sense of community.

I’m a fawner. I know it.

Ever since understanding that trauma responses, I fawn when my dad gets angry or irritated. I do it when my order is not correct but in order to avoid conflict I just drive off because I also don’t want others behind me to get upset that it’s taking me so long. I did that in school but changing who I was to be liked then maybe I wouldn’t get teased. I do that in relationships (intimate ones, including family) by not being my full self in order to not be judged for being mundane which I truly am.

I did that at work when I didn’t want to argue today. I smile a lot so people won’t think I’m mean or have an attitude or accuse me of being “boujie”. I do that with friends sometimes so I won’t hear their criticism. I do that to my own body, like in the past having sex with people even though I didn’t but I didn’t want to hurt their feelings or make them feel rejected and I didn’t want them to “take it from me”. It was very painful to have sex in those moments because of how tense I was, and I’d always end up with an injury. But at least I wasn’t a virgin anymore!

I do that around my cousins who seems to have a skewed idea of how I am, so in order to not be alienated in a way I just take on those characteristics of that type of person. Or if a person likes a part of me I make it my whole personality, leading me to not accept other parts of myself, make decisions based off of the validation I’d get from others, and lose myself (knowingly) day by day in order to be LIKED 💞. “Liked”.

I could go on & on; but I really wanna hear some success stories or even support to help me through this period.

I think at this point in my life, next week I’ll be 26, I’m very self-observant and aware of myself. I want to free!

I want to heal that inner child, use new tools to find my power because I feel completely gutted when I’m confronted with the feelings of disappointment, superiority or criticism from some - them being disappointed with me, feeling more superior than me or criticizing everything I do for whatever reason!

I wanna love myself; I know it’s not gonna come easy. I have to CHOOSE to love me! Show my younger self that I got our back! I’m beginning school soon, and I don’t want to feel shame if someone doesn’t understand my transness or blackness. I want to stand firm in all of my existence without feeling like “you’re right”, you know?

But I’m choosing to love me today. I’d even love some quotes or video recommendations or affirmations that might’ve helped you, or songs!

Thank you in advance 🥰