Breaking Down Bates
This week the fundie world was turned upside down when Jana Duggar, the long suffering daughter of public enemy number one, was finally released from her bonds and allowed to marry… another fundie man. Because these people think they are way more important than they actually are… their guests had to keep everything hush hush. We know that must have been beyond difficult for the Mouth of the South Carlin Stewart, but she persevered because Evan was given the honor of filming this royal event. Carlin prepared massive content so that her socials could continue to exploit her children and rake in the cash while she was away. We saw recycled content from the trip to the ballet store with Layla and a haircut for Carlin that looked absolutely like her hair always looks. She also threw up a reel celebrating how much she and even have changed in 5 years… which is exactly none. They were early twenties and now they are late twenties. Once the wedding was over, they were in the clear and it was time to film yet another Q and A where they answer questions they have asked themselves. Please know these 2 fight like cats and dogs. They scream, they yell and they throw things. Evan says Carlin is probably mad at him while they are filming. Suddenly these people are constantly talking about BUB and the Stewarts promise to film a vlog watching the show with Layla. Evan says he thinks there could be close to one hundred Bates grandkids and says Tori could have as many as 12 kids. They mention that Alyssa is “done” & that Zach and Whit are most likely done. Carlin says the younger siblings won’t have large families. They are traveling again soon to Vegas and after that plan a huge pool party for Evan’s birthday. Carlin is going to allow Evan’s family to come for the party. Evan shares that he was saved at 7… Carlin then showed her religious trauma by saying she felt like she wasn’t a sinner bc she thought she was a good person who did all the right things. She starts to cry as she says she spent many nights praying and asking God questions until she finally realized that she was, in fact, a horrible person and her sins caused Jesus to be nailed to a cross. That’s when she finally accepted Christ. SHE WAS TEN. Ten years old grappling with that sort of mess is egregious. (We have actually heard this before from Addee when she graduated) I don’t understand how an innocent ten year old could possibly think anything they have done would send them to hell. Now… a 26 year old offering her child up for the highest bidder??? Different story. Apparently none of that counts bc she is saved. Anyway, they show off their Myrtle Beach backyard that should be complete now. To show they haven’t completely forgotten about school, Carlin writes a letter to Layla and posts it to IG along with a first day of school photo shoot. Question is… will Layla ever be able to actually READ the letter if her parents don’t actually try and teach her something besides princess poses??
Being 30 weeks pregnant and having to fly across the country with a toddler did not stop the Clark family from attending the Thursday mass fundie gathering. In order to make the trip Katie featured old footage of their trip to the DMV and to the farmers market with Josie. We did find out that they knew the Bates by name at the DMV and Callie just got her license. Travis also zoomed in so we could all get a good look at Josie in the wild, without the pool noodle in her hair. Travis filmed himself working out in the apartment gym. Apparently he has no shame as he moved the camera around to get the best angles of himself doing toe touches and jumping jacks. I know some guys who would happily pay you for that Trav… they are on Only Fans. They are happy to tell the world that their one year old has a constant supply of sweet tea and replayed the Haley gets a 65 year old woman’s haircut footage. Katie filmed inside their very empty, echoing apartment to show that they are preparing for baby Harvey. They repeatedly said they don’t know how long they plan to be in that apartment and they are not making a formal nursery. 6 months tops, and these two will be in a McMansion. Trav made it back from another trip to that kids house in Nashville. He says he was recording but probably was playing Grand Theft Auto while hiding out from his many obligations. In any case, on the plane ride home from the great Dug Hug, Haley showed out like the toddler she is. She threw such a big fit that the flight attendant had to take her and Katie bawled her eyes out bc she couldn’t make any cute “last flight before the new baby” content. Supposedly the whole creepy Clark clan is flying in next week to visit, including Grandpa Creepers and Travis’ siblings. Perhaps a baby shower is happening? Katie will be afraid all week that Travis’ parents are gonna make him come home to Jersey.
Word on the street is that Josie Balka was in charge of the glam at Jana Duggar’s arranged marriage. She, Kelton and the kids headed off to Arkansas with a suitcase full of pool noodles, teeth whitening strips and makeup not purchased at the Dollar-Rama. After so long of trying to hide her true self, Josie was happy to let her fundie flag fly and can be seen front and center, cheering the oppression on. Back on her platforms, we were treated to prerecorded footage of a cookout for Gil and Kelly Jo, and Josie making a peach cobbler in her Leave it to Beaver apron with the girls. Josie took us back to the Jesus Gym this week for more beatitudes bodybuilding. This time Addee, Ellie and Lydia are with her and the girls just wander around aimlessly behind her. School happens sometime after this workout, but before she promotes her home chef slop tacos that feature globs of sour cream and mystery meat. Josie popped up in Katie’s vlog this week and said that dreaded phrase we all cringe when we hear… SLAY. What was not slaying was girlfriends hair which was frizzed and fried and didn’t look a thing like it does in that magic bathroom mirror she normally uses.
One thing became glaringly obvious this week: Alyssa Webster is slowly losing her mind in mid Florida suburbia. While all the coolest fundies were at the Jesus Jamboree, Alyssa decided to open a store. I mean a shop. Well, an online business. Actually… hats. She bought a ton of HATS. She teased us for a few days with some Erin level doodles and then revealed her big secret…. She moved all of the kids toys out of their play area and filled the space with hats. Wait… actually with HAT. No S. There is only ONE hat, in 3 sizes. No one knows why. No one ever will. A mother of 4 little girls who loves to coordinate their dresses and hair bows and PJs is selling a HAT. The hat is grey and black(just like the clouds looming over the Webster home) features a fake leather patch that has mountains and a Bible verse and cursive script that spells out…CHEERFULLYU. Alyssa tells us this is the company’s name. The crickets are deafening so she throws up a q and a that neither q’s or a’s a darn thing. The hats have a website that features JOHN front and center with the boy baby Webster. Both have been filtered and lit into oblivion. We learn that this is what they will now be doing. Just selling this hat. Later we learn that John designed the hat and Alyssa decides to admit that girls could wear the hat too… if they really want to. Alyssa uses the word “envisionment” several times during the week and I think she’s high. It’s the only answer. She says the world is full of darkness. She never leaves the house, so what does she know?? Alyssa spends the better part of the week being fake happy and jumping around promoting the company. She talks very little about the hat. Tiffy, Michael, Kelly Jo, Katie and Carlin all congratulate her. she ignores Katie and Carlin and just says "thanks" to the others. Alyssa says she will prep the orders late at night… I think she won’t lose any sleep. The girls aren’t involved at all. Later we see the weekly vlog where she excitedly opens boxes and talks about organizing it all. She packs five boxes. In the background, we see Allie dancing ballet… alone, following along to the TV. The Websters spent so much money on HAT… they could have given their oldest daughter dance lessons. People tear her apart in the comments bc she doesn’t feature the product, doesn’t feature the web address and these Temu hats are insanely overpriced. Lots of comments about her sisters’ businesses and how the boutique is already selling hats. By Sunday, Alyssa’s IG was back to coffee content.
I didn’t see anything from the Paine family this week. I’m guessing they went to Oklahoma for Grandpappie’s funeral and Chad stole the charger to Erin’s phone.
Whitney and Zach did not head to Arkansas for the fundie festival, opting instead to stay at home so Whitney’s constant carousel of links and partnerships didn’t grind to a halt. It was Lily Jo’s first birthday and honestly I forgot about that child. Kelly Jo honored her with a side by side of Kelly’s baby picture and said they look just alike. Kelly wasn’t in a denim skirt yet, so there was a slight resemblance. Whitney did her usual morning birthday surprise with decorations and balloons and cake and gifts. Then it was back to shilling her Abeka partnership. At least Whitney seems to like her children and is somewhat involved in their homeschooling. It’s probably the last year she can help Bradley. Whitney and her girls have a birthday photo shoot. Over in the Bates kitchen, Zach invited the BUB talent manager back for another guest appearance. Despite having her own cooking show on UPtv at one time, she claims to not be a professional chef. She is, however, a professional flirt and whipped her hair around while giggling and getting mighty close to Zach. Zach was flushed, blushing and almost broke a sweat. Tammy helped Zach make marinara sauce that did not feature mayo or ketchup. Mrs. Thing better watch out though… Whitney is a bonafide country girl from down in the holler and she will whoop that azz.
Lydia and Trace were also not at the Virgin No More celebration and instead, Lydia spent another week just filming her and Ryker meandering around the house. We found out Trace didn’t leave her… he actually threw his back out working out on a rowing machine. He sat down to answer 30 minutes worth of questions about BUB. Something is definitely up bc this family is suddenly BUB heavy after not cracking their teeth since the cancellation. We find out that Lydia never watched the show bc she didn’t want to see her husband pining away for someone else. Trace down plays the relationship and says he would have made it into the Dixie Stampede but his show contract got in the way. Also, he wasn’t very good, but… whatever you say Trace. He tells us that Lawson used to go to hotels to watch football games bc they didn’t have a TV and Gil would send Trace along so Lawson didn’t have to go alone. Trace says they all got paid and the money was divided up between the couples and the individuals. He doesn’t mention the George Floyd comment that probably ruined it for everyone. They finally quit talking so they can go get the baby out of his crib…& park him in that walker. Maui shows up on Lydia’s IG destroying her home decor. Take the hint girl!
Jana Duggar had to get married without the dulcet tones of her favorite singer, Lawson Bates. Lawson is stuck in Nashville with Tiffy and the new baby. I’m sure many fundies breathed a sigh of relief. Tiffy continues to churn out 1950s style “ditzy wife” reels and Lawson insists on not wearing a shirt while singing. The squalls of the newborn are more calming. This week they decided to film a q and a where they pretended to be experts on parenting after 25 days. Make no mistake-Tiffy is a bit player in this show. Lawson is the main attraction. He barely lets her talk and goes on a rant about internet bullies telling Tiff she is doing it wrong. The “it” is marrying HIM! Tiffy says Kelly Jo told her not to walk or climb steps because it would mess up her healing and that is why Lawson was carrying her everywhere. They both say several times that they want more kids. Tiffy’s parents have a place in Nashville and have been helping out. The most interesting thing here is that Lawson said twice and Tiffy backed him up, that there could be 33 grands by year’s end. Lawson interrupts his wife over and over. Tiffy does seem to be feeling better but she talks a lot about the pain… of living with Lawson. She showed a fan watching her episode of Good Luck Charlie.
Brandon and Michael spent their anniversary smackdab in the middle of all their favorite fundies at the big event. They also visited with Lawson and shared pics of baby Will. This week Brandon put away the crayons and joined Michael on the couch to answer questions. Michael was covered up in a blanket. She talks about her swaddle shop and spending time with the nieces and nephews. Brandon says he has been working on trusting God which seems like something they are constantly working on. Brandon says adoption could happen but they don’t want to get in God’s way. That’s fundie speak for… we don’t want to adopt but yall keep asking us. They show pictures of their travels and of them volunteering at the children’s hospital. Michael is working on a travel blog for Tennessee that will feature all of their favorite places. Expect a ton of churches.
Bits and Bytes… The Stew Crew said they won’t sell their house but use it as an Airbnb for profit…Evan said it takes him 2 days of editing for each vlog…Wonder if that Jessa and Ben trip was for some wedding event??….BSB is now selling game day dresses that are short and bright and only for Tennessee… Kelly Jo thanked Kelton for having them over.
Have a great week friends…You know Jesus wasn’t Southern bc the last supper would be cornbread and tea!