Advice? Bear with me.

I’ve been in a relationship for almost 3 years with my boyfriend. I have untreated BP2. I’m choosing to not do treatment (and tbh I don’t have healthcare right now because the system sucks) at this current time. Recently, I tried breaking up with my boyfriend. I have a lot of guilt for the way I treat him due to my BP amongst other reasons. Yes, I know I chose not to do treatment but that’s because I feel like my bipolar isn’t too unhinged. A month prior to the breakup, I felt like I was in a hypomanic state. This is initially when I started thinking about leaving him. Some of the reasonings were being too clingy, a couple weird situations with a female that wasn’t cheating but I don’t know how to feel about, what I felt like were controlling tendencies (Ex: placing “time frames” on when he would like me to respond to him in), and asking me weird questions after me telling him I’m not in the mood for sx (Ex: “Do you still enjoy having sx with me?” “Do you still find me attractive?”). I had developed a plan on when I should break up with him and how to do it so I could avoid hurting him as much as possible. I didn’t act on it but the pressure of carrying that around kind of sent me into a really bad depressive episode. I got so depressed to where I didn’t care anymore and I just went through with the plan. Long story short he didn’t take me seriously knowing I’m BP and read we do this a lot. We concluded it was because of my depressive episode. The more I’ve sat and thought about it, I felt like he made me believe it was my BP. Now I’m having a hard time distinguishing my BP from my true feelings and reality and I’m going crazy. I’m also getting those same thoughts again. Anyone have any advice or has been through a similar situation?