Bipolar is hard to understand

Sometimes I get stuck in my head and feel icky about the past. I had one fall-winter where on top of my usual craziness I changed my name. I feel so disconnected from myself during that time when I look back. I was having a discussion with my wife about bipolar and how I was scared id eventually hurt her one day. How it feels like an entirely different person is in control of me sometimes and I don't realize it until it's too late, etc. and she asked what her name was, and I told her I guess it's Ruby because that's the name I picked out for myself one time. But Idk if she misunderstood what bipolar was or if she was just trying to help me find a way to cope. Even for me it's hard to understand why I flip so drastically, so I don't bother explaining much to anybody other than my wife. But I wish I understood it better so I knew how to explain why I do the things I do to her. I've read about it and lived the experience yet it's still a mystery.