Terrified to recover

It’s almost funny to say this, because I have binge eating disorder. Obviously I want to recover, but the thing is, I’d have to relinquish all the control I have with counting calories and weighing food and saving calories for the end of the day to let myself binge bc it allows me to not only stay “morning skinny” all day but also allows me to feed my binging tendencies while also feeding the sense of relief and pride I get in seeing that I’ve eaten a certain amount of cals by 8 pm (an extremely low amount). That I get to eat all my days worth of food all at once and let go almost. I am terrified because I will have to stop restricting, and that means weight gain because obviously I’ll be binging still bc it’s not something I can just get rid of overnight so shifting to eating more while also binging will likely lead me into a caloric surplus. I’ve already gained a little bit of weight due to depression/binging episodes becoming really bad. I don’t want it to become even worse. I’m terrified. But I just want to stop binging mostly in the hopes it’ll make me skinnier. I just needed to rant because I feel so lost and scared to recover and I just want to slip back into old habits. I want to just ghost my dietician and therapist I’m working with. My dietician has me buying higher calorie bread and I feel awful disgusting and guilty. I know recovery isn’t easy but man I didn’t know it would be this hard.