My husband insults our baby

**I am NOT OP. The OP of this story is u/ZarZarLynx.**

Trigger Warnings: Abusive Language, PPD.

Mood Spoilers: It starts sad, but ends up wholesome.

My husband insults our baby, Posted January 31st, 2020.

I'm a mom of a lovely 6 month old baby boy and am currently on maternity leave. So, I'm the primary carer for him. I also still breastfeed.

That being said, I'm a human also and sometimes need to go out without the LO. My outings never last more than 3 hours and are never in the evening. Yes. I'm an adult and I haven't been out and about past 6pm by myself in more than 6 months. But it's fine, I don't mind. My only request was for my husband to look after the baby twice a week so I could work out.

Before baby I used to work out 4 times a week, it's a part of me, it's important to me, so I would keep my sanity. So, point is, I need this 2 workouts a week now. The gym is within walking distance, so I'm gone for a total of an hour and a half.

My baby is very sweet. He didn't have colic, he likes company and is a jolly fella. He is, however, attached to me and needs my boobs a lot. So, sometimes, when I'm gone, he would miss me and he would cry. My husband tries to calm him down but isn't always successful. Or it takes more time for him to calm baby down .

What worries me is that, after such an episode, when I come home he says (in front of the baby) : "He was very stupid while you were gone" // "He's ruining my life" // "You're very annoying when you cry like that" // "He's an idiot" etc.

The way he speaks to the baby worries me very much. I don't think it's normal, although I get how hard a crying baby can be. Anyone in a similar boat?

Thanks.

EDIT: Wow, thank you everyone for your comments and suggestions. Thanks to other dads chipping in - you helped me with a POV that was hard for me to comprehend.

We spoke with husband again but this time I was able to keep my cool and explain calmly what is wrong, why and offer strategies for him to overcome frustration. I think I managed that because of your support here - because when we've had those conversations before I would always get emotional and he wouldn't take it seriously. As a result of our conversation we're getting earplugs for him and he said he'll try more the baby carrier and as a last resort - leaving baby in his crib and going out of the room to cool off for 10 mins. As for myself, I decided to leave him tend to LO more while I'm at home and will observe the situation for the months to come. If there's an improvement - great, I plan to emphasize that and congratulate husband every time I he's doing something nice with /for baby and call him out when he speaks disrespectfully. Hoping the latter will subside and disappear. If there's no improvement though, I have to pack my shit and my baby and leave even though I love my husband still (it's also a big turn off for me when he's insulting the child). Will stop working out as now I feel incredibly guilty for going out in the first place.

Thank you to everyone!

Relevant Comments:

Your needs are perfectly reasonable.

His behavior however is really wrong. Just a thought on the context: before leaving, do you explain to your baby, with dad next to you that you’ll be away for a short while and he’ll be in the good care of daddy?

How does your SO feel in general about parenting? Does it seem like he’s got it figured out or is he overwhelmed/ resentful/ disappointed with himself?

I’m asking this because I doubt that the problem is the fact of you taking a short break for your workouts. I think he might have not built up the right mindset for what parenting entails and how he can become his best self as a father

I talk to my boy and tell him where I'm going before leaving, yes. Sometimes he's happy to be just with his dad. But not always.

As for my husband - he did want a child and was very happy when we were told it's a boy. But he was overwhelmed, he said he misses our life before. He didn't think a baby would require so much care and attention. I did try to explain it though, but I guess he needed to see for himself.

He also said that he feels inadequate when I can calm him in 2 mins but it takes him way longer. We've talked about this a lot. I always give him suggestions what to try if I'm not around. But he still loses it and would say these hurtful things towards the baby.

That’s definitely not normal, and I would talk to him about it now and help him see how serious it is. Even though your baby can’t understand what the words mean right now, he can still feel unsafe and unloved by him because of his tone and reactions. Additionally, soon he actually will start understanding what his dad is saying to him and it’s going to have lasting impacts on his self esteem, confidence, etc.

Therapy never hurts, too!

My husband refuses therapy. Otherwise I've talked to him numerous times about the abusive language etc. He says he understands and he'll try. He does for a while. And then an episode like this happens :/

His behaviour is out of order but can your husband give him expressed milk or formula while you're gone? Or does he have to cope with a hungry baby for over an hour?

We have a freezer stash and I always pump before leaving. Should've mentioned that. So, not a hungry baby.

Yeah that’s not okay. Babies can respond to facial expressions, tones, and eventually pick up on what’s being said is unkind. Does hubby have PPD? Need he be reminded your child is a baby and crying is the only way they have to indicate needs or that something isn’t right. :(

I suspect he does have PPD. It is getting better, but eventually a situation like this happens and it breaks my heart. I cannot tell you how many times I tried to explain exactly that - he's a baby, he has lots of needs, his primary form of communication is crying, especially if those needs aren't met. He says he understands, but "I just lose it when he starts crying". :(

Aww definitely sounds like PPD and that’s rough. I remember having the baby blues for a couple weeks and I would feel so rage-y when my baby wouldn’t stop crying. Maybe make a plan for him when baby starts crying have like a basic “plan for what to do”... Check diaper, give a bottle, try a paci, if none of that works set baby down for a few minutes - breathe and try again. I know a stressed out parent and also continue to keep a babe stressed too. This is hard, sorry you’re going through this mama!

Thank you! ❤️

I’m NOT saying his language is ok but.... try pointing out when he’s sweet, over exaggerate your sweetness, try pumping up his confidence and influence him in a positive way. Obviously if that doesn’t help and it continues you might need to take more dire steps but it’s worth a shot? People are defensive by nature.

Did you notice this type of behavior out of him before baby w other people in his life or yourself?

No, that's the thing! He's very nice and gentle towards me. Before baby he interacted very well with kids of friends and family members. Better than me, much better. That's why I'm really surprised 🤨

I think you can use that then by pointing out all the good qualities he has. Sounds like he is overwhelmed?

He definitely is overwhelmed,yes.

Apart from these episodes he helps me give baby medication, he gives him a bath, helps me feed him solids, changes his diaper. They play together with cubes and balls and he's very satisfied with himself when he makes LO laugh.

That's why I'm hoping with a few changes and conversations with we can overcome this.

I’m concerned that if you don’t deal with this immediately, your jolly little guy won’t be so jolly.

This is absolutely verbal abuse and your son will hear those words echoing in his head for the rest of his life if it continues. How would your husband feel if someone called you stupid or an idiot? Would he defend you? Would he agree? Does he speak to you like that?

No, he doesn't. He's respectful and nice to me. I can see he loves me. I just wish he could bond with his son better. They do have their moments and sometimes spend time together nicely. That's what gives me hope and I haven't contacted a divorce lawyer yet. Honestly, I'm afraid it will be as you say - he will insult our son and my boy will always remember this. Which is why ai contemplated leaving - to protect my boy.

He sounds defective.

I expect most of us got frustrated at times with our 6mo. Frustration is a daily experience, even for those without kids. But if someone can't help but lash out when they are frustrated, they are not ready to be a parent or to even be in a relationship. Has he historically done similar when he is frustrated with you? Is lashing out at others his normal reaction to not being able to do something? Plenty of toxic people do that rather than accept trivial failures.

Then again, you having to request he watch the kid twice a week seems a clear sign he isn't ready to be a parent.

That being said, the frustration can be decreased if he regularly parents. What kind of relationship does he have with the kid when you are there? Has he always changed diapers, bottle fed, put the kid to sleep, and held the kid while you were there?

He isn't lashing out at me at all, never has.

When we're all together he does change baby's diaper, gives him a bath, puts him to sleep sometimes, holds him while I cook. They can also play together quite nicely.

The behavior I'm describing is not a daily occurrence. But it does happen and I want to try and help him change it.

My husband doesn't insult our baby anymore, Posted May 25th, 2020.

Hey everyone, I feel confident I can write an update to the post I wrote several months ago: https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/ew4dlw/my_husband_insults_our_baby/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

I'm on mobile, I hope formatting is OK.

Basically I have really good news and I owe that to some of the advice I got in my original post. Thank you, you're such an empathetic and helpful community!

Now LO is 10.5 months and I can finally say hubby and baby have bonded and have a good time together! I think the unexpected quarantine helped because my husband has been working from home since March thus spending more time with both of us which helped him get to know his son better and develop a relationship with him of his own. Now that we're at the separation anxiety stage LO has stated crying not only for me but also when hubby leaves the room ,so in a way I think that's a good sign.

Basically my husband managed to change his behavior a lot. Hasn't insulted him , he would still complain sometimes though but now he does it primarily in the evening,after we put LO to sleep. Here's what helped:

I pushed myself to involve him more with daily baby tasks and was doing my best to model what behavior we should do as parents. That way ,since he still didn't have much of a relationship with baby,he had to copy me and my coping mechanisms certainly didn't involve calling the baby names. If LO were to cry while with hubby I tried not to rush immediately, but to let husband figure it out at least for 5 minutes before rushing in. Once he started being somewhat successful at calming our baby down husband gained more confidence. Granted, he asked me about every little thing ("When should I change his diaper?" , "When I should put him down for a nap?" , "How do I know if he's finished eating?"), but I think that helped since now he can read LO's cues much better than before.

Earplugs! A lot of you suggested that and we got some for him and indeed getting the volume of a crying baby down helped my husband to remain patient with our son. So, I would get back from the store and find husband cuddling and rocking our baby with the earplugs in while LO was crying. Not ideal,but I suppose it's better to cry in the arms of your dad than alone in the crib .

Talking and explaining to husband in a calm and matter-of-fact tone why what he does is wrong and what he can do differently. This was huge actually. Before, I would get really emotional and noticed that as soon as I lost control,husband stopped listening to me. As soon as I was able to get a hold of myself and have a matter-of-fact conversation with him, he was willing to hear me out,take me seriously and implement some changes.

Now that LO is mobile, laughing, babbling and playing games with us, it's super fun and I can tell my husband enjoys this stage more than any other before. They have their own little games and if baby hurts himself while crawling for example, I can overhear hubby saying something like "Oh, did you fall, sweetie, it's okay, you were going too fast" and honestly, that's so good to hear. He also kisses and hugs LO a lot more than before. It makes my heart smile when my husband is a good father to our son.

So, to all of the people saying my husband is a piece of shit, I guess you were wrong. He was going through depression and was feeling inadequate ,plus was mourning our life pre-baby . After he gained some knowledge, confidence and perspective, his parenting skills improved immensely .

I hope it will only get better from now on, you guys. You were a great support! Thank you!

Edit: changed "ppd" to simply depression for clarity

Relevant Comments: (This comment has been downvoted) I’m sorry but truthfully I need someone to explain how on earth a man can struggle with ppd? That does stand for post partum depression right?

Yep . Maybe the term is wrong, not sure about it honestly. But in our case he truly mourned the life pre-baby. He said he didn't expect it to be that hard. And for the first 4 months post baby has said repeatedly nothing brings him joy which sounded pretty much like depression. I'm shrugging over here, sorry if the ppd thing was incorrectly mentioned.

I'm glad it worked out and happy you worked to help him go through it rather than shaming him. He is lucky to have you. Just curious why do you write LO?

LO as in abbreviation for Little One :)

Just to specifically call out number 2, earplugs. They helped me immensely with both of my girls. I had a visceral reaction to their loud screams, especially when I couldn't calm them immediately, and my default reaction was anger. Dropping the decibel level kept me much calmer and in return made me a more patient father.

I kind of rationalized it as: You don't run a chainsaw without ear protection, so why would it be the default to let a baby scream in your ear from inches away without ear protection?

Thanks to you and everyone who admit that a screaming baby is a trigger. I now realize it also is for me as well but for anxiety and panic not anger. If I wasn't breastfeeding, I'd resort to earplugs too!

Great job to you and your husband. I like to remember a line I read ‘be careful how you speak to your child, it will become their inner voice.’

I can only imagine his inner voice is being kinder as well. :)

This is absolutely true! My father is abusive and my inner voice often puts me down, to this day and I'm almost 30 :(

I was actually pretty scared 4 months ago. But I realized that abusive people don't really change their behavior, don't take responsibility for their actions and always turn things around on you. None of this happened with husband, I think he really was depressed and needed help. But if I notice a change for the worse again, I don't think I'll try to be patient anymore

(This comment was downvoted) Have you ever thought that maybe he didn’t want to have children and this is his way of venting… I’m not saying it’s right by any means but...

I was wondering the same but he seemed so into this! I was recovering from hypothalamic amenorrhea and getting pregnant was difficult for us actually. He was very supportive and went through all the necessary tests (well,test) to make sure he's reproductively healthy. He was super present in my pregnancy and was my birth partner. I certainly didn't expect what happened.

**Reminder - I am not OP.**