AITAH for refusing to continue providing free childcare for my stepdaughter?
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/PainComfortable8891
Originally posted to r/AITAH
AITAH for refusing to continue providing free childcare for my stepdaughter?
Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation, controlling behavior, entitlement
Original Post: January 6, 2025
I did a work program with the local clerk of court's office when I was in high school. They hired me when I graduated, and I had my 30 service years before I turned 50. With 30 service years you can get your full pension at any age. I worked until my first grandchild was born, then I retired to be 'grandma daycare.' I have 5 grands 8 male from my stepson, 7 male from my son, 5 female and 18 month male from my daughter. I babysat all of them with no issues or complaints. I still keep the 18 month old Monday-Friday and the older ones Summer and school holidays.
My stepdaughter and her boyfriend has been non-stop drama since before the baby was born. When she was 10 weeks pregnant they presented a 3 page list of rules for when I was babysitting. They said if I didn't sign it, they wouldn't allow me to babysit. I said that I understood their need to do what was best for their baby and I assured them that there would be no hurt feelings on my end when they made other childcare arrangements.
Some of the rules were almost understandable but most were down right ridiculous, and none of it was going to work for me. I don't remember them all but some examples are: I can't take the baby anywhere without their permission; I can't watch more than 1 additional child while babysitting; I can't cook; I had to provide the full name, dob and address of any potential visitors ahead of time for their approval of the person being 'around' their child; they have to know anytime I have a guest over and know who it is and how long they stay; My 9 year old cat would have to be kept out of rooms where the baby would be, even when the baby wasn't there; I couldn't get another pet without their agreement.
When she was 7 months along they came back with revised rules in an attempt to compromise. I again let them know that their expectations were not going to fit with my life and they should just find other childcare.
Two days after my stepdaughter went back to work, she called and asked if I could keep Cullen the next day. I agreed but made it clear that I was going to provide safe, appropriate care according to my judgement and I wasn't going to deal with complaints or whatever that I was violating their rules because I wanted it very clear that I was not agreeing to any of that.
My stepdaughter was okay on the days she picked Cullen up and dropped him off. I felt like she was interrogating me every time she picked him up but it was tolerable but her boyfriend was downright rude. I got to the point where I actually spent Sunday dreading the start of the week because of dealing with both of them but especially his behavior. At minimum he'd pick up Cullen, make a big deal of partially undress him, make at least one snide comment about my cat or if I had any grandchild over besides the 18 month old or if I had cooked or whatever. Then he'd say, I guess we don't have any choice but to put up with this for now. Or I guess you are happy that you won.
This went on for 4 months.
I spoke to my stepdaughter several times about it and told her that obviously they are very unhappy with how I cared for Cullen and that they should really work on finding something else and that in the meantime he needed to be less vocal about it. It would get better for a day or two and then he'd start again.
It all came to a head as Thanksgiving was approaching. He was very verbal about the fact that he didn't want me to keep all my grandchildren over the break. I made it very clear that there would be a couple of days that I had all of them and that they needed to make other arrangements if they had a problem.
They didn’t make other arrangements and when he picked Cullen up on the first day that I had all my grands, he was very rude and although nothing happened, everyone was happy, clean, fed, had a great day he said (to Cullen) that he was sorry that they had no choice except to leave him in an unsafe situation to be neglected.
I called my stepdaughter that night, relayed to her what was said and told her that she had two weeks to make other arrangements and that she needed to drop off and pick up Cullen during those two weeks and if her boyfriend came to drop him off I would refuse to keep him and if he picked him up I would not keep him again.
So things were better only dealing with her. At some point she asked me if I would keep him until January because they found someone but he couldn't start until then. I agreed. She picked Cullen up and dropped him off everything was fine.
New Year's Day several people sent me a screenshot of a post her boyfriend made on social media about how thankful he was that they were finally able to leave Cullen without worrying about his safety or him being neglected. He didn't outright name me or accuse me of anything specific but anyone who knows us, knows I was keeping him and the post implied plenty.
I was just happy that it was over.
Friday she called me and said that their new childcare provider had told her that Cullen wasn't a good fit and that she couldn't bring him back Monday. She asked if I would start keeping him again. I told her that I was sorry for their situation but I really don't feel comfortable keeping him.
My husband and stepson both think I should watch Cullen under the agreement that Amanda drop him off and pick him up because they think her boyfriend is the big problem and that I should just do it for Cullen's sake. My stepson also commented that I'd probably be more willing to let it go if it had been a conflict with my daughter's husband.
My pension is about $4,000/month plus continuation of my health insurance. That's about 40% of our take home income if that matters.
Aitah for refusing to start watching Cullen again?
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: NTA
No, you shouldn't put yourself through this "for Cullen's sake". Cullen will get cared for regardless. There's no need for you to set yourself on fire because your stepdaughter and her BF can't behave like normal human beings. Your husband and stepson are welcome to offer free childcare and put up with this treatment if it's important to them. But you've done your time. Learn from that experience and don't let yourself be put in the same situation again.
Commenter 2: fr, she is an ideal grandma and deserve a lot better than whatever this is
OOP: I don’t know about ideal, but my mom was my rock and her helping with my kids helped so much financially. My kids had such an amazing relationship with her, I wanted to do that for my children and grandchildren.
Does OOP’s stepdaughter and the boyfriend earn enough to have a parent stay home with their child?
OOP: They make roughly the same salary so doubt they could afford either to stay home, and I doubt that’s what he wants. I don’t meddle in their affairs but they seem to spend a lot of money relative to their salaries.
I really don’t know what goes on in their house. She and I aren’t close, so she wouldn’t confide in me if there was a problem but I don’t think he’s abusing her.
Commenter 3: Looks like your stepson should find a new babysitter then. Given you’re always showing so much favouritism to your biological children 🙄
OOP: His is the oldest. I literally retired to watch his child for free. I could have just kept working and waited until my biological children had babies if that was how I felt.
How is OOP’s relationship with her stepdaughter?
OOP: My stepdaughter had lots of very big emotions when her dad got serious with me. Her parents had been divorced for years but were still angry at each other and didn’t exactly coparent well all the time. I was, unfortunately, the person she lashed out at most. I worked in the clerk of court’s office and took lots of free evening family court classes. They are such a great resource and so many people sat through them (court ordered) but completely disengaged.
I’ve had lots of practice (and professional help) setting behavioral expectations and boundaries with her.
Update: January 7, 2025 (next day)
First let me just address the common suggestion that Amanda's boyfriend is purposely sabotaging their childcare to trap her at home. They make roughly the same amount of money and definitely can't afford to lose half their income. I seriously doubt he wants her to stay home.
Second, I would never tell my stepson to find someone else to watch his child because of a simple difference of opinion. My grandson and I have a very close bond. He's the oldest and it would break my heart and his if he didn't come spend his holidays and summers with me. Plus he's a huge help with the little ones when I have them all and things get hectic. I would never be so petty as to make him (and all my other grandchildren) suffer because of an adult disagreement.
So I sort of asked around about why they were dropped by their new sitter so quickly. Apparently they weren't. Amanda picked Cullen up and dropped him off both days he went and everything was lovely. He did cry a quite a bit, but they expected that to get better as he adjusted to not being held as much.
My husband and stepson talked to Amanda and she said that they realized that they can't afford daycare. They already made the 'easy' changes (packing a lunch, giving up fancy coffee, etc) and his dad and her mom are both giving them about $100/month towards childcare and they can barely afford it, but they didn't realize that you have to send everything the baby needs.
I buy diapers, wipes, formula, bottles, extra clothes etc. They just hand me the baby. They didn't realize that daycare didn't cover all that.
Also, imagine her boyfriend's surprise when he found out what the staffing rates are in this very expensive daycare. 1 adult cares for 5 infants. I guess he thought that someone would provide one-on-one care, diapers, wipes and formula for $350/week.
My stepson relayed their almost apology. They felt overwhelmed by an infant and couldn't imagine that someone else could manage that plus other things.
Cullen is going back to daycare tomorrow. Cullen's dad is selling his dirt bike and Amanda is selling some designer clothes, handbags and shoes to cover the cost. It'll get easier for them in 6 months when he transfers to the 1 year old class, which is a little cheaper.
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: Good on you OP. If your husband brings it up again, tell him he can pay for his grandsons childcare as you had been publicly accused on neglect, and will not take on the legal risk of caring for Cullen anymore.
OOP: We agreed when they were cutting up that he wouldn’t give them any money towards childcare.
Commenter 2: So not only are they myopic and ungrateful and condescending, but they’re also dishonest. Amanda LIED to her stepmother when she told her that they had been asked to leave, that it wasn’t a good fit, and their last day would be Monday at the daycare. Wow, I am SO glad OP didn’t back down and let them bring Cullen back.
OOP: I will never babysit him again. I will not watch him in a house. I will not watch him with a mouse. I will not watch him in a box. I will not watch him with a fox. I will not watch him here or there. I will not watch him anywhere.
Commenter 3: Info: is Amanda’s bf even the least bit contrite that HIS entitlement and unreasonable attitude has cost his family money they can clearly not afford? If not, has any of this lifted the haze from Amanda’s eyes that this guy is a good partner to support her and their child through all of life’s ups and downs? For heaven’s sake! They had FREE childcare at their disposal and they shat all over OP. Talk about 💩ing the bed.
OOP: I really can’t say. My stepson and husband spoke to Amanda and possibly him and relayed the message. I haven’t spoken to them directly since I found out Amanda lied about Cullen being kicked out of daycare.
I honestly don’t care if he’s sorry or not at this point. Being sorry that you got caught and have a consequence is different than reflecting on your actions and realizing that you were wrong and have real remorse. If he ever gets to that point we can have a heart to heart.
Where are the stepdaughter and her boyfriend’s parents’ involvement in Cullen’s care?
OOP: Her mom and dad both work full time. His dad works full time. No idea about his mom.
OOP can set up the boundaries when it comes to caring for her grandchildren
OOP: When you are providing free childcare you can allow whatever boundaries you want. I’m not texting anyone about a short trip to the store. If that’s a condition they have, they are more than welcome to make other arrangements for their children that do not involve me.
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