[Updates] AITA for not including the "entire family" in a quilt I made for my mother?

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Angels_of_Death_Zack posting in r/AmItheAsshole

Concluded as per OOP

1 small update

Original - 11th December 2024

Updates in the same post - 11th December 2024

Update 2 in r/Advice - 15 January 2025

Update 3 in r/findfashion - 16 January 2025

Update 4 in r/AMA (Ask Me Anything) - 21 January 2025

AITA for not including the "entire family" in a quilt I made for my mother?

So, a little while ago, it was my mother's birthday. I like to sew, so I thought it would be a good idea to make her a quilt. I had the idea to make some of the squares family photos, so I got some family pictures printed out onto fabric, and added them in the quilt. It had me, my siblings, and my parents. When I gave the quilt to my mother, she seemed happy at first before she looked at all the photos. She looked disappointed, and when I questioned why, she said that she was upset that I didn't have any photos including the dog.

Now, as a bit of a side note, I have always had a phobia of dogs, which people never really got about me. We do have a dog in the house, but I choose to not ackowledge [sic] it or be around it. My mother knows very well my fear of them. But, she treats this dog like it's her own son. She cooks it meals everyday, gets it food at McDonalds, gives it many presents during Christmas, and practically every framed photo in the house is of the dog rather than anyone else. Essentially, she treats it less like it is a dog, and more like it is a human child, even calling it her youngest son.

Since I don't like the family dog, (for reasons I won't dive into here...) I chose to not incorporate it into the quilt, (also since I don't have any photos of it on my phone anyways...) And now, my mother seems to really dislike the gift. I asked her if she doesn't like the quilt, and she just sighed and said that it was cruel of me to not include her youngest in the quilt. I feel bad. Since I am moving away soon, I wanted to give her a nice hand-made gift, since I've never done that before, but she seems so disappointed with it. I thought the photos I picked out were nice. Some were recent, but most of them were from many years ago, before they even got the dog.

My dad is telling me that it is perfectly fine that I didn't include the dog, and that the quilt is still very nice, but my brother seems angry with me, saying that I can't just leave out family memebers [sic] in a "family themed" quilt.

It's been around a week since that happened, and my mom has never once used or even touched the quilt. I looked and found that she put it under her bed. I feel sad, but also guilty. I feel like a major jerk, since I just wanted to make her happy. My mother has also been a bit more distant with me as well, so I'm scared that our relationship will be affected by this.

Comments

Jenicillin

NTA. Take back the quilt you made with loving hands that she doesn't appreciate and move out.

Fickle_Toe1724

Good idea. He will appreciate it.

Sweetsmyle

Please do. A quilt is really hard work and it should be given to someone who respects and cherishes it. I worry your mom will let the dog tear it up.

Rare_Sugar_7927

I'm one of those people who considers her cats, her fur kids. And I'll say this. You are absolutely NTA. Ffs, your mother is ridiculous to reject such a thoughtful handmade gift just because there's no photo of her dog on it. Geesh 5 minutes in the house and it'll probably have dog hair on it, so problem solved, the dog is included.

**Judgement - NTA*\*

Update - 12 hours later

Edit:

I feel like I should clarify some things. Looking through the replies, I see most people saying that I am the AH. People seem to think that I deliberately left out the dog to upset my mother, and that I should have been more mindful of her feelings since this is a gift for her. She's had the dog for around 6 years now, and has mentioned quite a few times that she values dog lives over human children's lives.

She also mentioned that in the case of a house fire, she would save the dog first, then go back in to save her children. I've had this dog phobia since I was a kid, and it hasn't gotten better since the dog has been in the house. I'm not allowed to go to therapy either, so I was left with no resources to help me with this fear. It was especially bad since whenever I leave my room, my mother or brother would try to get the dog to chase and bark at me, since they think it's funny. They still do that to this day...

But, back to the quilt situation, my mother has framed photos all around the house of her dog. She has maybe two photos of her human children, but around 12 photos of the dog. When making the quilt, yes, I did purposely exclude the dog. I did this partly because I felt that there was already enough photos of the dog in the house, and partly because I wanted to give her something to remind her of her human children. The vast majority of the photos I chose were ones taken when me and my siblings were young children, so before they even got the dog. And no, (I hate that I have to even say this) I don't harm dogs or wish harm upon dogs like some of you seem to think...

Edit 2:

Shortly after I woke up this morning, I went to try and grab the quilt from under the bed in order to take some photos of it, but I couldn't find it. I asked my dad if he knew where it was, but he was just as clueless as me. We searched a lot of the house, but couldn't find it. I'll update again if I find out what happened to it.

Edit 3:

I went outside and checked the trash bin. I found the quilt there slightly hidden under some other trash. I took it out of the trash, and tried to clean it up the best I could. It's now hidden in my room. I'm not really sure what to do with it now...

Comments

wordwallah

Your mother loves the dog more than she loves you. She and your brother used the dog to torment you. Something is wrong with those people.

Maybe you should have realized it a while ago. Maybe that realization would have led you to make a quilt based on photos of the dog. That doesn’t make you a jerk. It probably means you wanted to connect with your mother despite her problems.

I love my dog. I love most dogs obsessively. I would save my children from a fire before I would save any dog I have ever had.

I'm moving out in 3 months, and I don't know how to handle it.

35 days after OG post

This post is honestly just to vent a little...

So, since I was a Freshman in highschool [sic], I knew that I wanted to live in Japan. So, when my Senior year was over, I applied to a university in Yokohama. I honestly didn't believe that I would make it in, since it was a bit of a competitive thing. But surprisingly, I found out yesterday that I have been accepted. I am just 18 years old, and I'm moving to Japan... That is of course good news, but I'm having some issues.

I currently live with my parents, and I live in the same exact house I lived in when I was born. I grow emotional attachments to things to the extreme, and the house I live in is one of the biggest examples. This was the place I grew up in. The place where I spent my toddler years, childhood, and teen years in. My room is the same room that used to have my crib inside it. For 18 years of my life, I have shaped my room into what I love. I spent years adding and re-organizing all the stuff in there to just how I like it. But now soon enough, posters will be taken down, furniture will be removed, and all the things that made my room mine will no longer be there. Everything will either come with me to Japan or go in storage. I'm not ready to say goodbye to the one space I could call mine for my whole life.

There is also the sadness of leaving the state and city I live in. I live in a pretty plain state. Not much has changed here since I was just a kid. But I feel saddened and upset that I won't get to see the places I would always see, or go to the places where I would always go.

I'm also a bit saddened that I'll have to give up on some of my hobbies. For example, I love sewing, but I don't think that's really a thing I can do while I live in a university dorm room. I wouldn't know how to get my sewing machine there, and it's not like sewing machines are very quiet anyways...

And obviously, saying goodbye to my family and friends will be the most difficult. No one is coming with me to Japan. I went from living with my parents my entire life, never really having any sense of independence, to living alone in a completely different country. I love my family, and my parents are like my best friends. And now, I won't get to do the things that we always loved doing together anymore. I won't get to watch tv shows, go camping, and play games with my dad anymore. I also won't be able to go to the mall, go to various restaraunts [sic], or go to certain seasonal events with my mom anymore. We three also have the tradition of visiting another state to go to a certain comic con together, and now we won't be able to do that anymore either.

All of this would be hard even if I wasn't moving to Japan. I knew that one day I would have to move out of my parents house, but even though I've had 18 years to prepare for it, I'm not ready. As for Japan, I know that I will meet so many amazing people, and make so many good memories, but right now, I just feel so emotional about leaving my current world behind. Yes, I do want this. I want this badly, but it's still hard. Sorry if any of this doesn't make sense... I just don't know how to process this. I have 3 months left before I move away.

Comments

NoOriginal123

If you ever watch a movie that follows the classic structure of the heroes journey, you'll realize that it's really about... you.

We are all thrust into situations that are scary and we feel like we're not ready for. That's life. Change is the only constant. You're ready though. If you weren't ready, the opportunity would not have presented itself.

It's hard, and that's okay. Allow yourself to feel your feelings, be sad, nervous, excited, angry, anxious, but do it anyway. Take a deep breath and keep moving forward. Ask for help along the way and don't keep your thoughts to yourself, but keep going.

I was so scared to leave home, but I found my best friends at university. When I would go visit home, after a while it didn't feel the same. That's growing up, that's life.

kakyonispinkslippers

Separation is an important step of becoming a functional adult. If you need some harsh motivation continue to read my comment, if not feel free to leave it be. Think of your situation as an important step to move forward in life, the cozy usual life seems very pleasant but in reality you'll grow out of it one day and it will start to suffocate you, and as time passes you won't be able to change your life so easily, leaving you in one place forever. So don't let fear now become regret later forever. It will be hard at first but the only thing harder to deal with is lost opportunities. I'm sure you'll adapt, you're young, free, no children, mortgage, etc. Wish you well and an exciting future ahead! Good luck

I'm moving to Japan soon, and I need some nice casual clothing. 16 January 2025

36 days after OG post

I'm very bad when it comes to fashion, and I don't have a lot of casual things. I am moving to Yokohama in 2 months to attend a university, and I am looking for good casual clothes that are feminine and cute. I don't really know what people in Japan find fashionable. I just want stuff that is plain yet cute. Not like a sweater with Japanese writing on it or something... If it helps provide a mental picture, I am a rather short woman with long light brown hair and blue eyes, if that helps. I also love things like skirts. It would be a great help if someone could help come up with some good outfit ideas. Preferably, I would like to find these clothing items on Amazon...

Comments

vowagg

Long skirts are really popular in Tokyo area, you can just go to GU or Uniqlo and easily find lots of cute stuff. You can order online as well.

Personally I like going to second hand shops like MODEOFF, but you'll obviously have to spend time looking for your size and finding what you like. If you're not on a budget, BEAMS is nice and a mix of classics and trends. Honestly the amount of places to find cute clothes is kind of endless where you're at.

Generally women tend to wear clothing that's more oversized and loose, but you're in a huge metro area, so really almost anything goes. And as a university student, people will probably be picking some kind of style like 90s raver, goth, boho, preppy, etc and that's their look.

Ask Me Anything Post - 21 January 2025

41 days later from original post

I knew from a very young age that I wanted to study abroad. After applying to a university in Japan, and going through 2 separate screenings, I actually got accepted! I'm so excited, yet so nervous. This will be the first time I live away from my family. I'm gonna move out of my parent's home, and head to Japan to live in the dorms in just around 2 months!

Comments

Civil_Existentialist

Do you speak Japanese?

Angels_of_Death_Zack

Only barely. The course I am taking is meant for English speakers, but Japanese language lessons will be taught as well.

Civil_Existentialist

How long are you planning to stay there? Is it for the whole study program or just a semester?
And what made you decide for Japan?

Angels_of_Death_Zack

I'll be staying there for the entire 4 years. In high school I took a Japanese language learning class, and I got to learn a lot about Japan and its culture. I also visited Japan at the end of my Junior year as a school trip, and I quickly fell completely in love with it.

ps1008

Congrats and I said a prayer for you in your new journey! You’re doing things a lot of people don’t have to courage to do at that age, including me. I’m sure it will be a bit lonely in the beginning but remember this is all for a reason and for your abundance in life. I don’t know you but I am incredibly proud of you ❤️ my question.. are you nervous to learn Japanese on a serious level and do you think it would be hard for you to adapt to the culture? Anything you’re nervous about? I was thinking about learning the language a bit of it myself because my partner loves the culture but it does look intimidating lol

Angels_of_Death_Zack

Thank you so much! The Japanese language is definitely intimidating, and even after studying it for four years, I haven't really gotten the hang of it. But, I think that being in Japan and being surrounded by people who speak Japanese will really help me get used to speaking the language. I am not sure exactly how I will adapt to the culture, but I'm not too worried about that. The most scary thing about this is the fact that I will be living alone in another country, but I am sure that I will quickly make friends at my new school.

Chewe_dev
Congrats. I would be more interested in an AMA after few months of university but nevertheless. Japan is a country I visited last year and I would go back with my eyes closed. It was amazing.

What was the admission process and how would you compare it with harvard [sic] or Cambridge?

Angels_of_Death_Zack

I'm not really sure what the admission process in places like Harvard or Cambridge is like, but for me, I had to fill out the application form, write a personal statement and an essay, and attend a live 30 minute Zoom interview with 5 people from the university. The school that I got into had around a 30% acceptance rate.

TheMessenger1993

No questions just a congrats! This side of the world is incredible

Angels_of_Death_Zack

Thank you so much!

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