Wrongly accused of filming a colleague -- what do I do?
Originally posted to r/askSingapore by user itsminyao. (The sub is to ask questions related to the country of Singapore, Southeast Asia)
Original: Sept 29, 2024; Sunday
Update: (OP makes several edits in post to answer Qs)
Update 1: (in same post) Sept 30, 2024; Monday
Status: concluded
Original -- Female colleague wrongly accused me of filming her in the work space. I’m deeply affected. Gents please let me know what you would have done
Everyday during lunch, i (31M) will rest at a communal sofa area in our office. Usually it’s just me and 2 other guys occupying the space. Last Friday when I went there, I saw a lady lying down on one of the sofa resting. I didn’t think much of it and took the sofa opposite to it. The sofas are face-to-face for context.
I was swiping on my phone watching TikTok’s nonchalantly when she woke up, saw me and left. Some time later, she came back with another colleague making rounds around the area so I asked them if everything is alright, they say they dropped something, I asked if they needed help looking for it, they say no and left and I kept on with my business. After which I went back to work. About an hour later I was summoned to a meeting room by the CEO’s personal assistant (female). She told me the lady who was resting there woke up to my camera pointing at her and she felt like I was filming her. I was really taken aback and caught by surprised. I was asked to explain myself and at that moment I really didn’t know how to especially since there weren’t any CCTV around to verify my claim.
I told her it’s my daily routine and the other guys can verify my claim by unfortunately they weren’t around that day to back me up. Since I was summoned out of the blue my phone was on my desk, so I requested for her to retrieve my phone and I can unlock on the spot to let them go through everything just to proof my innocent. The PA then asked if I was ok having a conversation with the lady which I agreed because I was eager to clear my name. Throughout the whole session I repeatedly offered to show them my phone and had to justify why I was there with my phone. She declined the offer and told me I should have better social awareness. She didn’t dare look me in my eyes and it made me feel like a predator. I was very upset but I can see her being traumatised perhaps having some previous unpleasant episodes herself. So I apologised for making her felt unsafe, and we left. She did not apologies for the accusation.
I just felt really unfair, because it is a communal area that everyone have access to. I wasn’t hiding my presence too, I was just resting as she was. It wasn’t like I was trespassing into the lady’s toilet or anything. I was just going about with my daily routine, her being there for the first time and making such claim against me is really hurtful. I was there thinking we were equal, but she clearly saw me as a predator. I can’t help but wonder if it was a lady sitting opposite of her with her phone on her hand, would this lady had reacted the way she did.
I just joined this company about half a year ago, and I really enjoy my work and environment. I do see myself working here long time but I don’t know how this is going to affect me in the long run. I’ve been losing sleep last few nights just thinking about her going about painting me as the office perv. For a moment I really felt like the ladies that was accused of being witches during the Salem witch trial.
On one hand I totally understand her concern. I have sisters and if they felt like they were filmed I do wish that they have the courage and means to confront the other party. But as I am standing on the receiving end of this unfair accusation, I really don’t know what I could have or should have done to better articulate my views and defended myself. I tried my whole life to be the gentlemen, to build my reputation and uphold equality but after that incident I felt like it all crumbled down. So gents in SG, could you please tell me what you would have done.
Please excuse any grammatical errors, I’m just ranting atm and do not have the head space to care for perfect English. I’m deeply affected and frustrated.
Comments:
ah_ger_78295 -- OP, as a fellow female, I find this situation absolutely ridiculous.
- It’s usually easy to tell the difference between someone doomscrolling on TikTok and someone taking photos or videos.
- You even offered to show your phone immediately to prove your innocence, so she should’ve accepted that.
- Why was the meeting with the CEO's PA instead of HR? That seems odd.
- You were seated far away from her, and it sounds like you weren’t even looking at her. How could she feel threatened just because you had your phone out? It’s a shared space, where anyone could walk in at any time. Even if you had bad intentions (which you didn’t), a public area is the worst place to act on them.
I strongly recommend going to HR and explaining everything. You’re being accused of something you didn’t do, and it could impact your reputation at work, which is unnecessary. People like her make it harder for women to be believed when real issues occur. I’m so sorry you had to go through this.
tax_lyrical -- I am a woman. You need to make a big fucking fuss out of this and clear your name beyond any reasonable doubt. If you don’t, the rumours will continue to circulate. In future, every little thing you do might be misinterpreted. Staying back late in the office to clear work? If there’s a woman there, you’re probably lurking to follow her home. Using the office gym? You must be there to leer at the women in their tights.
It gets harder to clear your name as the years go by. Do it now. Call HR and offer to make a police report if you have to.
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Update -- \** (OOP updates post with following notes)*
Edit: Thank you everyone for the respond, it really means a lot to me, I don’t even know how to express my gratitude but thank you for sharing your views.
Note 1: CEO’s PA is neutral, in fact I’m glad she was the one who took up the role as mediator. I don’t know why HR wasn’t involved, but the lady that came about with the accuser was part of HR. Maybe they think it warrants further escalation to higher ups.
Note 2: The lady was there on the sofa area because she was feeling unwell. The wellness room was also occupied so she had no choice but to use the communal sofa area.
Note 3: I notice a lot of ppl are asking me to avoid her moving forward, but I wonder if avoiding her will make her feel like I was feeling guilty further more. I did avoided her the whole of Friday because I didn’t wanted any further unhappy interactions.
Note 4: I don’t really care for her apology anymore. I just wanted to know what I should have done to protect myself. It’s my first time dealing with this and caught by surprised so I couldn’t find anything to protect myself. I hope I can clear my name
Comments:
Personal-Shallot1014 -- I was in your shoes before, so I can relate very well. I read your edits before writing this so hope what I've written below can help you.
Yes it was all a misunderstanding in the end. She said you filmed her, but you denied. Her insecurity shouldn't be your reason for apologising. You offered to let them scroll your phone, she declined. THAT is on her. Only two reasons why she refused to take up the offer - 1, she outright indicating you did film her and she refuse to look at it otherwise; 2, she knew she had no evidence and she refused to step down and apologise.
I saw you mentioned that you want to protect yourself. Sure, but first in order to protect yourself, you need to clear your name. And by clearing your name is to prove that you didn't do it, and hence you NEED an apology from her.
Otherwise what you will be hearing in the future is "itsminyao tried to film me while I was sleeping and he apologised to me, he confirm guilty about it just that I refuse to pursue further."
And yes you apologising is already telling her that she is correct on her accusation. That shouldn't be.
You should now approach the HR, preferably in written form, that you have been accused of this incident. You apologised to her because you want to appease the situation, but now you feel that you would want to clear your name because you did nothing wrong.
And if HR refuses to escalate and get to the bottom of things, you tell the HR you will call in the police. Let them scroll your phone, and if they can't find anything related, then that is defamation and slander at best, and you should demand a written apology from the girl. In fact, everything should be in black and white.
Verbal is not enough, because words can twist to say that "itsminyao force me to apologise even though he filmed me."
Snoo72074 -- You have played your cards completely wrongly and are quite fucked. How do I know? I have been falsely accused before too, and I fucked up my defense as a flustered young man who was less socially aware and hadn't learnt how to protect himself.
- you should have insisted on showing your phone's gallery/recordings to prove your innocence. It's a little late now.
- you should not have apologised - rightly or wrongly, it is often taken as an admission of fault. And especially since you didn't do it, you are humiliating yourself in the process.
- Always use the official channels. Make sure records are in black and white. An informal discussion is literally the worst way for this situation to be handled because it's so disadvantageous for you.
- you should not bend over backwards to evil/bullies - you have simply emboldened or enabled her. Being falsely accused can easily destroy your reputation and career. You need to take steps to protect yourself because no one else will (unless you are a super handsome guy, but it is clearly not the case unfortunately)
The fact that there are plenty of creepy and disgusting men out there is completely irrelevant to this case. You are not a supernatural/mythological figure whose burden is to bear all of man's sins. Settle this with HR through the relevant channels (if it's not too late).
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Update 1 -- a day later
Final update: Hi all, thank you so much for the advices and suggestions.
The first thing I did today (30-Sep) was to talk to HR. Unfortunately we don’t have a single guy in HR so I spoke to a lady, but she was nevertheless very helpful. She told me HR was made aware of this incident but they do not intend to formally investigate as no formal complaints were logged. She said the accuser did not want them involved as well, and she seek the PA assistance because the PA was a registered mental health first aider. She told me they did had a conversation with the accuser, and she is seeking professional help as she feels very embarrassed and guilty for putting me through this.
HR told me the accuser wondered if she might have overreacted. HR ask me what do I intend to do, I told them I am not intending to seek retribution against the accuser but I will write in formally a recollections of what happened. I told them I am still willing to cooperate if they needed any investigation to which HR said no.
While I do not intend to bring things further, I will reserve my rights to seek justice if I hear any rumour spread about me. HR reassured me they will do damage control on my behalf and make sure no rumour spread beyond us. I am not sure how effective this will be, but I am ready to move on. Thank you very much everyone. Have a great day
Comments: ** OOP responds to a user two days later (1 Oct) asking how he is doing
OOP -- Hey thank you very much for checking in on me! Yuppe I’m feeling much better now that I told my story. HR agreed that it was a communal space and that her claim is unfair. I’ve already moved on. I did share the same sentiment and told HR that the procedure needs to be reviewed. I’m glad it’s protective of the ladies but I think sometimes we all forget that guys can be victims too. Hope no one ever suffer the same fate.
REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.