AITA for leaving my dad’s birthday dinner after overhearing my sister’s comment about my miscarriage?
I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/throwra_71839 posting in r/AmItheAsshole
Concluded as per OOP
Content Warning - miscarriage
1 update - Medium
Original - 5th January 2025
Update - 9th January 2025
AITA for leaving my dad’s birthday dinner after overhearing my sister’s comment about my miscarriage?
A few months ago me (28f) and my sister “Eva” (33f) realized that we were both pregnant (I’d say she was about 6 weeks further than I was). She’s been struggling with infertility, so we were all happy for her. I have an older son (2m) with my husband (32m).
Sadly, a couple weeks ago I lost my baby. We told my family. They were all supportive, but I did sort of pull away from them. They would’ve tried to avoid discussing Eva’s baby around me, but I didn’t want to overshadow her, especially since she’s wanted this for a long time. I also didn’t want to be reminded of my own loss whenever I saw her.
So I haven’t been to my parents’ place for Sunday dinner since or really spent time with Eva, which we had been doing a lot before. I replied vaguely to any messages about my absence, wasn’t the best communication from me.
Yesterday my parents were hosting family dinner for my dad’s birthday. I’d been thinking about going because I missed my family, and while of course the pain of losing my child has not faded, I’m at a point where I can at least put it a little to the side to be there for my sister and my new niece (when she is born).
So I let my family know that we would be coming. However, we had to get a gift for my dad and then my son had a bit of a tantrum, so we got to my parents’ place about an hour late. I wished my dad and then went to the kitchen, where my mom, Eva, and my SILs were.
But before I went in, I heard them say my name so I stopped. My mom was saying something like “Well I guess [OP]’s not coming” and Eva said “What did you expect, she probably changed her mind and is just staying home again. Honestly, I’m sorry for her but you would think she was the first woman to ever lose a kid. And it’s not even her first kid.” They then kept talking about other things, but I just wanted to leave.
I went and got my husband, who was with my BIL, dad, and brothers in the living room. I told my dad I was really sorry but we needed to go. They all protested, but my husband could see how upset I was so he didn’t. We got my son and left.
When we got home, I just kind of cried for a while. My husband asked me what happened and I told him. He was angry that she said that, but thought we shouldn’t have abruptly left because my dad had been looking forward to seeing us, and my son missed his cousins.
After this, I was feeling conflicted. Later my brother texted me saying my dad had been really upset about us leaving and brought it up at dinner, which caused a whole fight because mom and Eva realized that I must’ve heard them talking, and my dad was mad about it. My brother said that it was pretty bad and he wished I had just stayed so none of it would’ve happened, obviously Eva didn’t mean for me to hear that, they were all just frustrated that I’d been AWOL for so long.
Now I feel bad, because I didn’t mean to ruin dinner. Obviously what Eva said was hurtful, but I can see how my actions might have led to her saying something out of anger, and I could’ve talked to her about it later instead of just leaving. Idk, AITA?
ETA for additional context:
My family is the type to just drop by at each other’s places and see one other multiple times throughout the week besides just Sunday dinner. Lately I’ve been kind of fielding off any requests for people to visit. I just want to I guess emphasize how close my family is and how abnormal it is for me to not be seeing them regularly even for a little bit. I haven’t been ghosting them, but I just text them saying “I’m not feeling up to it” for dinner and kind of leave it there.
My sister and my mom have always been closer to each other, as have me and my dad. Additionally, my brothers are closer to her since they’re all closer in age.
I mentioned this in a comment, but we didn’t text anyone saying we were going to be late since my family is usually pretty lax about time (me and my husband usually show up early though so it’s unusual for us to be late and might’ve been why they thought we weren’t coming). Also my son was continuing to be a handful all the way there so that kept us busy and we kind of didn’t think about notifying anyone.
I’ve started looking into grief counseling, now that I feel like I can at least talk about it.
As far as she’s told us, my sister hasn’t had a miscarriage before, she just had trouble getting pregnant to begin with.
From what my brother told me, my sister and mom didn’t admit to saying anything, they just kind of looked at each other once my dad mentioned me leaving, and he noticed and asked about it. Then one of my SILs who was also in the kitchen (my other brother’s wife) mentioned what they said and my dad got mad. My other brother was also apparently angry with them and it just turned into my mom and sister trying to defend themselves, my dad and other brother yelling, and my brother (who texted me) trying to stay out of it.
Comments
McflyThrowaway01
Grief has no time limit. Recovery from a miscarriage sucks because hormones, pain, and suffering emotionally. The fact that your family thinks you needed to seemingly suck it up and get over it is ridiculous. So no you weren't wrong from taking time in dealing with your loss.
Sounds like that they are more focused on your sister finally getting pregnant and they want you to do the same. It's like how dare you make your miscarriage about yourself, don't you know your sisters pregnant?
So your sister who has struggled with infertility finally gets pregnant and decides that a miscarriage is NBD because it happens all the time and you already have a kid?
Your brother is upset because the family fight wouldn't have happened if YOU JUST SUCKED IT UP AND STAYED? No consequence for your mom and sister?
I'm sorry but HELL NO. NTA
Ask your sister if she remembers not being able to get pregnant and ask her to imagine what she would have done if she overheard you saying "She probably is staying home again. You know she isnt the first woman to suffer infertility. She can always adopt if she wants a kid so bad."
Yea your sister likely dreaded being around pregnant women and babies because of her struggles, even if she wasn't vocal about it, but now that she is pregnant and now the only pregnant sister, she thinks she can look down and judge you?
Imagine if it was reversed. I bet your family would be having her over for dinner and asking you to stay home because you were pregnant and it was too hard for her
I'm sorry but she is a selfish jerk and I wouldn't accept any apology she gives, if she does. Remember she isnt sorry because she was wrong for what she said, she is sorry she got caught saying it.
And your family is wrong for blaming you for being rightfully upset because your sister faced the consequence of voicing her thoughts outloud.
bitchybitch1809
Your closest people should support you not talk behind your back when you are not there.
People grieve differently, they should have been happy that you are at the stage you are ready to socialise.
NTA for me, just shitty situation for your dad as he had no part in this and it was his birthday. Give him a call, meet up just with him and have an honest talk. Don’t ghost him, and the rest of the people who didn’t participate in the stupid talking.
Mother and sister need to think about their stupid gossip talk. Regardless if it was your first child or not.
**Judgement - NTA*\*
Update - 4 days later
Hi everyone, I want to thank you all for the support and feedback on my last post. This update is mostly about a few different conversations that I had.
I took your suggestions and called my dad, apologizing for leaving early. He completely understood. We talked a bit and he asked if we could go out to lunch this week because he missed seeing me, so we made plans.
Then, I talked to my husband and told him that I didn’t think I could’ve stayed and still thought leaving was the best thing for us. He apologized for invalidating my feelings and said he would’ve liked for us to spend time with family but not at the cost of my mental wellbeing. He offered to call my brother (not the one who texted me) to set up a playdate for our son with his kids so my son could see some of his cousins, which I appreciated.
Later, my mom called (I guess my dad told her we talked) and she apologized for taking so long to call, saying she felt ashamed and didn’t know how to talk to me. She said she wouldn’t have let Eva say that if they’d known I was there and that she didn’t mean it. Eva has been hormonal and frustrated, and my mom thought calling her out at that point would've just made things worse. She felt terrible for hurting my feelings. I thanked her for the apology but told her I needed more time before meeting her.
After this, Eva texted me, and I wanted to hear her out, so I called. She apologized a lot and emphasized that she didn’t mean it and regretted saying it, attributing it to the same thing my mom had. Apparently she and BIL also had a big fight about it when they got home, which delayed her talking to me.
We had a long conversation, in which she confessed that she had a few early miscarriages before they even told us she was pregnant. But she felt she had to keep smiling through it, which made her slightly resent how I was handling my situation. I told her I was hurting and keeping my distance so she could enjoy her pregnancy. She felt bad for misunderstanding and thinking I was shutting everyone out. I assured her that this wasn’t the case; I hadn’t let anyone in, and with her being pregnant, it was tough for me. I wished her luck but told her I hoped she could understand why I didn’t think I could be there with her. She was sad but agreed.
We talked more, and by the end, things were better. I texted my family group chat with a long message about how I was feeling and why I would be taking space from meetups, because I feel I need it after this. While the apologies eased my mind and I can see myself forgiving them in the future, I am still hurting, and I think right now, I need to spend time with my husband and son and handle my grief with a professional.
Thank you all again for reading this, and I hope this answers your questions about what happened next. Hope you all have a fantastic day!
Comments
ABWhiteRabbit
I’m glad you’re taking time to heal, and that your family is supporting you in this
Winter-Rest-1674
What stood out in your mom’s apology was that she said she wouldn’t have let her say it if she knew you were there. That means that they be talking about you behind your back and thinks it’s ok for your sister to say those things. Continue to take your step back and heal and fuck them.
duchess_of_fire
yes, no one should be able to express themselves or their frustrations about anyone else ever. especially when they are already emotional or going through things themselves and may say things they don't actually mean
op should apologize for talking about her family behind their backs.
/s
ilikeshramps
But saying "I wouldn't have let her say something extremely insensitive and offensive if I knew you were around to hear it" absolutely sounds like "I'd let her say it as long as I knew you weren't around to hear it so that there's no backlash to her hurtful words"
Mom essentially just said "sorry you heard your sister being mean and insensitive toward you" not "sorry your sister said something cruel about you" and it makes it seem like she'd let her talk shit about OP without defending her daughter as long as OP isn't in earshot. Pregnant or not, what the sister said was abhorrent and the mom's apology was only for OP hearing it, not about it being said in the first place.
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember to be civil in the comments