This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/self by User brooklynNYitsyaboy. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded.

Mood: Glum

Editor's Note: I added paragraph breaks for readability.

Original

January 6, 2025

We met when she was 5 and I was 6. We were both from divorced homes, and my Dad lived 5 houses down from her Mom. I don’t remember the details of her family’s custody arrangement, but her Mom basically had full custody, and I was 50/50 between my parents. When I was at my Dad’s, we were inseparable. We were polar opposites in personality, but loved all the same things, and both had huge imaginations.

Where I was brash, outgoing, and loud, she was gentle, soft, and quiet. We did literally everything together. I loved her so much.

I was 14 when she found out she had cancer. And I couldn’t cope. I basically ghosted her. My Dad had moved away by that point, so I basically got to pretend it wasn’t happening. Out of sight, out of mind. And 18 months later she died.

For 23 years, I have been mired in guilt and shame for my behaviour. It was unforgivable. And the grief of losing her is compounded immeasurably by the guilt and shame. I hate myself for what I did. And I feel like… I will never be able to heal it.

OOP confirms they made an appointment with a therapist to talk about it

Notable Comments:

If your positions were reversed and you were the one who died from cancer; and you were able to watch the friend who you love so dearly from some better world; watch her do something terrible as a young, overwhelmed girl, and see the person you love spend her entire life in anguish for her mistake, long after you had forgiven her - what would you say to her, if you could? Bellowtop

There are grown adults who cannot handle someone close to them dealing with cancer and they handle things even worse than you did. When my mom was diagnosed with cancer she had friends who wouldn't let her in the house because they were convinced they would somehow catch it from her. You were a child. No 14/15-year-old ever truly understands the finality of death.

You need a therapist who can help you process the grief of losing your friend and also the grief of not being there for them. This was a terrible situation all the way around. ReasonableCrow7595

This isn't an accusation, but pleeeeeaaaase don't reach out to her family. What right do you have to make them go back to a trauma like that and ask for forgiveness? Let them be at peace. This is something you should work out on your own, or with a therapist if it's really hurting you. mayorIcarus

Update

January 7, 2025, 1 day later

After reading a lot of the replies to my previous post, I decided to ask my parents what they remembered about what happened in the time period after finding out my friend had cancer until she passed away.

Y’all… my broken little brain rewrote history. To my recollection, I only saw my friend once after finding out she had cancer. That’s all I remember. I talked to my Mom on the phone, and she said that she remembers multiple visits I had with my friend. She even reminded me of photographs she has of my friend and I from after her diagnosis, and that is not the visit I remember.

Then I texted my Dad, and he corroborates the multiple visits and said that I kept in touch with her "regularly". He even claimed there was a last visit at her bedside, which is mind blowing to me. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT I DON’T REMEMBER THAT??????? I also found out that my Mom sang at her funeral. My brain? Deletes the memory of her even being there at all.

I had also forgotten that I went to visit her Mom at some point in the years after she had passed away. I don’t remember exactly when, I want to say my mid to late teens (I was 15 when she passed). At that point her Mom had kept her room as it had been when she was alive, and said if there was anything of hers that was particularly meaningful to me that I could have it. One of our shared loves was stuffed animals, and we had these identical blue elephants. I had kept mine in memory of her, and so when her Mom offered, I took my friend’s elephant as well. I still have them both.

I thought I abandoned her, but by all accounts that’s not what happened. I don’t know what to make of it, this false history my brain created. My best guess is that by my own standards, I wasn’t there enough. The amount of time I spent with her after her diagnosis was not equal or proportionate to how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. So maybe in a way I still did abandon her, just not to the degree I thought I did? I don’t know. Therapy starts Thursday, wish me luck. And thanks for reading.

I'm not the original poster.