Starting to think the social mask I developed is worse for me than my real self

I've never been good at making connections with people, so I've observed what others do and I've picked up behaviors from the people who do interact with me. And one of those behaviors is, I hate to admit it, gossiping. I've recently realized that I've learned to use talking about others as a social currency and means of making connections with people. And now that I see it, I feel yucky. Self-accountability is hard. But necessary. And, of course, good in terms of growth and true self-acceptance.

My mom (who is a wonderful person and I suspect ASD as well, though she'll never consider it herself) is a well-meaning gossip. I live in a different state from her and my brothers and their families, and she tells me all about what's going on with my them, as well as cousins and family friends. (So it's kinda cool that I get to stay in the loop without actually needing to put the work into maintaining social relationships. Is that bad? I dunno, but it works for me.) I learned a bit from her.

But I've also been thinking about the friends and friend groups I've had through the years, and the people who have been willing to be friends with me were also people who talked a lot about others. When it comes to how to interact with others, this is what I've learned to do.

But now I live in a community where there just seems to be A LOT of gossip. A lot of people speculating about others, making up stories about others, jumping to conclusions about others. And of course I only really noticed it when I caught wind of the stuff people were saying about me. I spent some time being angry and hurt and indignant, but then I couldn't NOT see that I had also participated in it. And I thought that this is how you connect with people -- after all, it's pretty much the only thing that's consistently worked for me. Although it's never worked well, tbh. Most of my "friendships" don't last long, probably because they're based on this crap and not about connecting over what we really care about.

But now I realize I've been engaging in a behavior that is antithetical to my values and the kind of person I believe I am and want to be. The last year or so has been really hard, and I've retreated A LOT from most people in my community. I don't even try to talk to most people anymore. And now when I do, I've become uncomfortably conscious of living my values in how I interact and pulling back from people when the conversation turns to talking about others. But I'm realizing that I feel so much calmer now that I'm not trying to fit in.

I'm at this point in which I'm finally becoming okay with being an outsider. I only want to connect with people with whom I genuinely connect with, and that means people who share my interests and values and passions. Everyone else? I smile and say "good morning," but beyond that? I'm becoming okay with just not being a good fit. I've had so many short-term friendships in my life, and I'm now seeing that's because they were friends with my mask, not me, and that mask just doesn't offer the depth for a strong friendship to take root. My real self is, as I've been told, "a lot." Some people don't like that. But! Some people do. I want to finally be someone who looks at the positive and focuses NOT on the people who don't like the real me but instead on the ones who do.

So, this was all probably an overshare. And probably better suited as a personal journal entry. But here it is. I'm putting it here. Thanks for reading.