Update: I initiated sex!

Guys, I did it.

It was super awkward at first. He was up working until just past midnight and when we got in bed, I kissed him a bit harder/longer. He wasn’t sure what was up at first and I asked him if he would like to have sex NOW now. He said he was interested but was clearly exhausted so I took the lead. Which, admittedly, was super fucking weird for me. I didn’t do everything right! I literally knocked teeth while kissing for the first time in like 20 years I was so nervous at first because it was me that was totally in charge. Performance anxiety, what can I say? But. I fucking did it and we ended up laughing during all the weird bits!

Guys! He’s never been very vocal but I got to hear “keep fucking me like this” at one point!

He could tell I was really into it. I even admitted when I was self-conscious and he said I had no reason to be, so I turned on a light, took a deep breath because being totally exposed can be fucking scary, and kept going.

We talked about what else I can keep doing/add on afterwards. I haven’t said anything to my husband yet but I’m going to re-start therapy. I get 26 therapy appointments with then new insurance and I obviously need to talk to someone again. Thank you so much, everyone. I got to spend the day on my own yesterday and I read everyone’s comments here. I really appreciate it!