1st wedding anniversary next month. what is the point of being with someone i have absolutely no faith in?

he used to be my safe space. now he is just another man who hurt me in the worst possible way. d day was 3 months after marriage, last june. i thought i was doing better but these days i have been having flashbacks on the daily, even during sex which hurts so fucking much. every day i keep thinking about his infidelity, the women he decided to be physical with (and a man).

every passing second of the day i have been thinking about the pain he has caused me. i do think it’s because my anniversary is coming up next month and it’s massively triggering that i spent 9 months out of 12 just crying, throwing up, feeling suicidal and it hurts already that i have nothing to celebrate when the date comes.

he is doing the work in therapy but nothing he does seems enough. and what happens when therapy ends? does he go back to his fucked up nonsense? i look at him and i feel pain only. even when he is laughing too loud or making jokes or being normal and having fun, it’s like does he even realize what he’s done? the quirks i used to love i now find disgusting. i hate it so much. i want him to change his demeanor. i want him to change his sense of humor. i want him to change his whole personality. how do i even explain it to him lol

you know whats even more fucked up? we attended this concert a few days back of a really big band and it had been in my bucket list for years. all i could think about was that he probably woudl have had so much fun with his AP and not me. because he had once mentioned to a close friend of his (who knew about what he had done) how nice it felt to be with her that he hoped she (his friend) would only ever feel this way for her bf. that obviously meant he never felt that way with me and in our relationship. and it hurts so fucking much. more than the sex. more than him fucking a billion people. this is what still stings my heart.

i have cried in the washroom after sex because all the details of his sexual affairs keep coming back DURING sex. i cant even enjoy sex. how do i stop that?

i hate who i have become. making comparisons with that bitch AP who honestly looked like a stick. i dont say this lightly i don’t feel any likeness towards him. his lies and manipulation just keep repeating in my head. he sent me pictures of his outfit before he would go to hang out with her. he blamed me for my insecurities and trust issues all the while he was fucking someone. it is absolutely insane the level of selfishness he had. still has honestly. i have thought of killing myself because if i had told you the shit i have been through because of him and before him, you would understand. i hate my life.

anyway just ranting lol.