Absolutely spiralling out of nowhere after watching ‘Anora’

Long story short, my fiancé cheated on me twice in quick succession and one of the times was with an extremely attractive girl who is objectively hotter than me in every conceivable way. Usually I feel ok about it and while I have self esteem issues stemming from it, it’s not something I think about too much and my fiancé does makes me feel attractive and beautiful.

Unfortunately, tonight we were looking for a film to watch and he suggested a film that came out recently and had good reviews. From literally the first second I realised that this was a mistake. My triggers came from absolutely nowhere. We often watch films with nudity in it and it doesn’t really bother me, but this hit me like a freight train. I was like a deer in headlights. The nudity and sex and watching these beautiful girls literally made me want to die. I wanted to die right there on the sofa. I’ve never felt like that before and it’s scared me so much.

I totally shut down and couldn’t even think straight. My fiancé has asked a couple of times if I’m tired or feeling unwell. I just felt like I couldn’t tell him that I was so triggered from a FILM. It’s so unlike me and I felt so pathetic and stupid and saying it out loud would have made me feel so so bad.

I literally felt like I was going to have a panic attack and I’m so terrified of these random, silent but powerful triggers coming to me out of nowhere. I just kept feeling him next to me, staring at this movie, and dying inside that he wanted the girls on the screen more than me, just like he wanted the other beautiful girl more than me.

We are reconciling, that is my decision. But I have never experienced a trigger like that before and I have no idea how I can go through that again.

The stupid thing is it’s actually a really great film. I would have enjoyed it if I was watching alone.

I’m still reeling from this feeling and thought that writing it down would help.