Maybe it’s Karma

I used to be so goddamn trusting. I was cocky even. But I was so prideful of us.

I know this all sounds childish and it really was. We were still in high school. I remember one time a group of girls who didn't like me said to me that he was cheating on me and they started laughing. But he wasn't at the time, not yet anyways. They just wanted to scare me. I laughed and replied to them "he would never". Because I didn't want to give them the satisfaction of making me feel insecure or doubtful. I also believed it.

Another time a friend of mine who did not like WP, called me. She told me she had a source that told her he did not lose his virginity to me but to another girl he and I shared a class with. I again, not laughed, but thanked her for her concern and assured her that was not true. Only to find sexts between him and said girl years later.

He was so good at being so deceitful. It's scary. I would've never found out had it not been for my gut and pressing him for information.

I'm so sad. All of his friends knew and no one told me. I know that's not their job but it makes me sick. He would text the friend group chat I was not a part of when he would hangout with the other girl he cheated on me with. Would send them screenshots of their texts or let them know when he was talking to her again. One time he sent them a list of girls names. I have discussed this hurt with WP. He tells me he was insecure and he fed off the validation. But he also told me one of the main reasons why he stopped is because he realized how pathetic he must've looked to his friends. Needing all that attention on him. Which makes me even more devastated. Why is your image and how you look to your friends more important than deciding to never hurt me again because you love me or value me?

I'm pissed because I loved being cocky. I was so happy and so proud of our relationship and how far we had come. And I feel like it's all a lie. I wish nothing happened. I wish I could erase the first five years of our relationship. I want all of the pictures gone. I want most of his friends gone. What kills me is he and his best friend would text back and forth about bitches to rate them and shit or keep each other updated on if they are talking to so and so again. I love his best friend. I have always valued and respected him. I feel betrayed by not only my husband but by him as well. I know it's not his responsibility to tell me. But I thought he valued me as much as I value him. If it were swapped and his girlfriend had been texting me like that I would've told him everything and that he doesn't deserve that. Or at least called the gf on her crap and told her to knock it off and tell her how ridiculous and disrespectful she was being. Idk I'm just heartbroken. I also wanted to talk to his best friend to maybe get an apology or some closure. But his father was killed this year and I don't want to bring up something like that when he is already going through so much that would be incredibly selfish on my part. All this to say maybe it's karma for me being so cocky about it. I'm just so sad I feel like I can never have that sense of accomplishment, pride, level of trust, or be care free ever again. I really took all of it for granted. I was so confident and independent before any of this. I'm grieving my life I had and it is one of the biggest losses I've ever had to experience. I wish we weren't here.