Just had an argument

Tried to talk to my wife again tonight about everything and it did not go well. She got so defensive. I’ve asked her several times during this process what I could do better and how I could improve. It’s always small superficial shit. But tonight when having this discussion and her getting upset about it she starts bringing up things about the kids and my “lack of participation” in their life.

I was trying to talk about her affair and how we can improve and she just immediately spins it to be about other things. Dodging the issues at hand. I’m so sad over this whole thing. I’m so sad that she doesn’t seem to care. She came out tonight telling me that I’ve been pushing her away. I told her that I’ve been testing her to see if she gave a shit about me or our marriage, but she said it was pushing her away. I tried to tell her that she should be trying to fight for us and save us. She just does not seem to care.

Then she told me that she thinks that this whole time I’ve been hoping for reconciliation and pushing for it that I’ve just been gathering evidence to divorce her. I never once told her that.

I can’t continue like this. I don’t think this discussion is going to change her mind and I think we are near the end. She gives me no good reasons to want to stay. Everyday my brain is filled with things involving her and what happened. I dwell on it constantly. It’s such a huge distraction in my life and in a way it drives a wedge between us so much that I feel like I’m disconnecting more from my family. She just wants to forget it ever happened, I can’t do that. It’s so heartbreaking for me.

I just went downstairs to sleep cause I don’t want to be in the same bed with her. I desperately wish she would just come down, hug me, hold me and tell me she’s sorry.