AITA for not wanting a relationship with my MIL?
A little background info about myself first (relevant to the story), I have anxiety and know that mess triggers panic attacks, which means things at home are organized in a particular manner.
I started dating my husband a couple years before Covid hit (he knows full well about my anxiety) and from the beginning he praised his mother to being the best and super considerate about him, giving him freedom, really cool person in general. She lives in another country.
Naturally, when I first met her, I was super excited to have this cool mom in my life (my own mother is very strict). She was nice and gave me a hug. For the next weeks, she stayed with us. We live in a micro apartment where we'll bump into each other just walking to the kitchen. With tight spaces and MIL constantly rummaging through the kitchen, making messes, things started getting tense. When MIL left, I voiced it to my DH, about how uncomfortable it makes me to have MIL constantly sitting there as soon as I step out the bedroom door, how MIL makes a huge mess cooking and doesn't quite clean up (I secretly clean up after she cleans because the apartment is so small she can see the kitchen at every angle).
We finally moved to a slightly larger flat and the next visit is where things took a turn for the worse. My DH left the country for work when MIL came to visit. She brought with her my BIL, who is a conspiracy theorist, and my SIL. I still welcome them to our small flat, BIL stayed in the guest bedroom, MIL and SIL stayed in a hotel. MIL and SIL cannot stand BIL so they did not want to stay altogether. BIL and MIL were constantly in our apartment, blasting conspiracy news, going through my kitchen, bathroom cupboards, buying a lot of household items that we didn't want or need and stocking them into our home. I spoke with my DH and he said it's their way of caring. I work at home now and the house was filled with so much unnecessary household stuff they bought, it just laying on the ground everywhere. I had to retreat to my bedroom and lock the door, still hearing them sitting outside blasting conspiracy news and MIL on her iPad watching something very loudly. Feeling an oncoming panic attack, I called an Uber and went back to my mother's and stayed there until my DH came back from his trip.
DH hinted the idea to send her on a trip to give us some room, which MIL jumped on the idea thrilled. I spent hours looking for cruises/tours that matched her needs and she rejected all of them, finding little things to complain about, like I don't like those dates, or I don't like this stop of the tour etc. She is retired and her grandkids are teens. Eventually, she settled with a tour her friends picked (which was one of the options I gave but she complained about it) and got us to pay for it.
Covid hit and we didn't see her for a few years. DH and I finally got pregnant and she came for the birth. I was staying with my parents, my mom taking care of me and letting me rest before and after birth. MIL start complaining day 1 because she hated Covid confinement. My mother opened her home to MIL to stay so she could also be close to her grandson. I had a bit of complication and the recovery was tough. My baby almost ended up in NICU. MIL complained about not feeling welcomed because she barely saw me and her grandson, we stayed in my room to not contact people as much as possible due to Covid. MIL went through my mother's cupboards as well, bringing her ways into my mother's home. My mother left the house as much as she could because MIL also made her feel uncomfortable and invasive, just sitting in the living room and watching my mother's every move. My mother tried to include her in cooking for my recovery, grocery shopping and offering to take her for lunch etc, but MIL complained to her family that we made her feel unwelcomed and uncomfortable. MIL would walk into my bedroom (which was on the 3rd story) without knocking just come in, many times when I was breastfeeding, stood there and watch, telling me what to do and how to breastfeed properly, that I'm doing it wrong. MIL would come in and stand by my bed to watch me and my baby sleep. Even after telling my DH that MIL needs to knock on the door, wash her hands and wear a mask before entering, she ignored my boundaries.
During all of these incidents, I broke down crying, having panic attack and stressed.
This is where I may be the AH. I told my DH that I no longer want to interact with MIL, I will be courteous, but I will no longer go out of my way to treat her well and care for her until she respects my boundaries and privacy.
My DH, stood by MIL's side, telling me to see it from her point of view and accept her as is, see her intentions behind it and just be more tolerant of her. That I shouldn't be mean and basically and AH.
So... AITA